We've known you for two weeks now and in two weeks you've completely stolen each of our hearts. What life was like before you, I don't remember. What life will be like after you, I can't imagine. You have come into our lives and have quickly shown each of us parts of ourselves we did not know or understand.
Yesterday morning you were restless and couldn't sleep, so I picked you up and you slid comfortably into my arms. You didn't stop smiling until you were sound asleep, and my heart fell to pieces.
Each piece knowing that you may leave us one day... Knowing that our hearts long for your mama and daddy to get better... Knowing how broken they must be without you and how they must long to snuggle you each day that you're in our arms... Knowing that the pain I feel just thinking about you leaving one day is the pain they are living every moment.
I love you so much it actually hurts... I kiss your cheeks and I weep because of these things that I know and these things that I pray for. And I'm convinced that it's ok to hurt. It's worth it. YOU'RE worth it to me.
Mercy was six months old when she weighed what you are weighing right now at one month. She'll be two in a few weeks and you are closing in on about half of her current weight! To us you're huge because we remember her being three pounds at your age. To her you are her tiny baby brother. You are her "Bebe!" She adores you. She wants to climb in your swing with you and snuggle, she wants to hold you and feed you and give you your paci, she reaches up for you when we are holding you, she comforts you when you are fussing, she rubs your head and kisses your toes, your hands, your forehead, the closest part of you she can reach. She brings you her very favorite toys. She cries when you are behind a closed door and when you leave for your visits. Her sweetness has multiplied a hundred fold since she met you. Yesterday I asked her if she loves you, and in her own precious 'Mercy talk' she said, "I love you bebe!" ...and my heart fell to pieces all over again.Each piece knowing that she's too young to understand all of this yet... knowing she may lose you, her bebe brother, one day... knowing that she will mourn along with us when she can't check on you and kiss your toes anymore. We will comfort her, we will talk to her about you forever so that she won't forget you, and she will not be the same because of her deep love for you. She will know that you needed her for a season and that she filled a special place in your heart that God made just for her. And it'll be worth it... because YOU'RE worth it to her.
Your {right now} daddy and I talked about foster parenting for years before you arrived. We anticipated the arrival of our first foster child even before your sister was here! When her birth story turned traumatic and we decided pregnancy would not be in our future, we eagerly awaited the day the Lord would call us to renew our certification. A couple of months went by before we got the phone call for YOU. I said yes without even talking to your daddy and then the real wait began.... Eight of the longest days awaiting your arrival, praying for you, for your parents, for your social workers, for your nurses and doctors, and for us... and then we met you! In one quick moment we went from knowing your name and little more to loving you as if we'd known you forever. These days have been so full, our hearts are bursting with joy and love for each minute we spend with you. We are cherishing them all because we know they are numbered. We are cherishing YOU because we know you are worth it.
Your big gummy one month old smile.... Oh it melts my heart.
Your chubbiest little cheeks I've ever seen.... I need you to store my kisses in them so that when we're apart you'll have a lifetime of kisses to remember me by.
Your scent. Vanilla never smelled so sweet, I need your scent to follow me forever so that when we're not together, I can breathe and remember each of our moments.
But for today, I'm just going to cherish you. I'm going to cherish the 3am snuggles... cherish the early mornings and the extra coffee... even cherish being sprayed changing your diaper... cherish the way you have added so much to our lives in such a short time. I'm going to cherish your worth. You are amazing, little one. Thank you for loving us back!
Love,
Your {right now} mama
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