Dear Drivers

I cherish your involvement in my life so very much.

For three weeks after Mercy came I was advised not to drive. And I hurt and I'm a wimp, so I knew I couldn't push the limits. Chris works so after I came home from the hospital and my mother went home to Georgia, I was stuck.

Stuck at home fifteen minutes away from my sick baby girl.
Fifteen minutes may not seem far... for many mamas with sick babies hours away it might seem like a dream come come true, a next door neighbor.

For me, it was another galaxy...

...and there was absolutely no way for me to get there on my own.

Until YOU stepped in!

YOU saw my desperate need.

YOU sought me out.

YOU sacrificed your time, gas, money, energy for me.

YOU brought me to my little girl, where I needed to be but could never have been without you stepping in.

Every day for three weeks each of you in a very literal way lived out the implications of the Gospel to me.

I can never thank you enough.

When I was stuck, alone in a dark place, you reminded me how GOD stepped in, how HE sought me out, and how HE sacrificed His Son for me, so that one day HE could bring me to a place I could never get without Him stepping in...

Absolutely amazing.

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God..."

(Ephesians 2:1-8)

What a beautiful truth, I will remember you every day for what you did for me, I will worship HIM continually for what He did for me!



**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Dear Baby Boy In The Corner

You made your entrance into the world and the NICU just a few weeks before us and you were making great progress, growing and doing every bit of what you needed to do to head home.

You were so loved by your nurses who used to say you were going to grow up to be a pastor and evangelist. There was nobody in the NICU who raised their hands higher than you did!

Oh, I used to love peeking over to your corner isolette by the window, you were precious! I never could understand how your mommy could stand to be away from you for so long.

Your granddaddy though, he was different. He couldn't handle being away from you for even one day. It was so obvious how important you were to him, every time he came to see you he was dressed to the nines for a very special occasion. YOU were his daily special occasion. I remember seeing him in the waiting room once when the unit was closed. There was a new baby in the NICU, so we would all have to wait a while to see our little ones. His ride couldn't wait with him and we watched him make phone call after phone call until he could find another ride a little bit later. He HAD to see you.

He loved you. So. Much.

I just loved your relationship. There were very rarely words, he rarely held you. But you were never alone. He was always there, by your side, loving you with every bit of the love in his heart.

We would visit and catch up sometimes while we were all scrubbing in and he would update us on your progress with THE biggest smile on his face. You were absolutely the apple of his eye.

I remember your last day in the NICU, meeting your mom and congratulating her on your homecoming. Your granddaddy was by her side as she got to know you, but when your mama's boyfriend came in, he had to leave. He didn't put up a fight, he didn't get upset, he just waited outside the door. I imagine him praying for you, for your transition into a stranger's home, that you would be loved and cared for well.

Oh, sweet boy, how loved you are today! 

When your nurse told me through tears that she ran into your granddaddy... Oh, I know that his prayers for you were answered! How loved, how cared for you are today in your Heavenly Father's arms!

You went home from the NICU healthy, and not many days later you went to your eternal home healthier.

You left an impact, baby boy. You and that precious granddaddy of yours painted a picture of a beautiful relationship...

...a picture of a child deeply loved by a Father, of a Father who would do anything to be by His child's side.

You reminded me of myself, broken, in need of a Father, a Savior. You showed me that even in my deepest moments of brokenness I can, I must, lift my hands high in praise and thanksgiving.
Your granddaddy, he was the only father you knew, he reminded me of my Heavenly Father, Who loves me deeply and stands by my side in silent confidence. I needed that in those so broken days crying by Mercy's bedside. Sweet boy, you reminded me of the hope I have in a Savior Who I need every day, a Savior Who is worthy of my praise.

See what great love the Father has lavished on us,

that we should be called children of God!

And that is what we are!

1 John 3:1

Oh, to see you in your Daddy's arms! What a glorious sight that will be!



**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Dear Breastfeeding Gurus

THIS was a milestone week for us, one that has had ALL of you in my heart! This week we finished up the last of our formula and packed up the bottles that held the breastmilk and formula that grew our daughter over the last year. You were each such a huge part of the journey that led us to this week!

About four months ago I knew our breastfeeding journey was over and I found myself packing up my pump. It was such a unique experience, we had a love/hate relationship. On one hand it was INCREDIBLY freeing, this long and grueling part of my life was over! Amazing! On the other hand, I found myself grieving this part of my life ending. Breastfeeding was important to me. Before Mercy came, I set a goal... I wanted to make it to a year. At that time, I had no idea that the majority of Mercy's "breastfeeding" would come via electrical equipment that would cause bizarre and extraordinarily painful things like Raynaud's Phenomena and De Quervain's Tenosynovitis.

Despite our bizarre and awkward experience, however, I still had my heart set on making it to a year.

We made it EIGHT months, never exclusive, we supplemented with HMF or preemie formula from the very beginning and after eight months we were exclusive formula and baby food.

ALL of that was hard for this mama's heart.

You made it easier.

NICU breastfeeding gurus, you have a hard job.
Day one in my hospital bed, you showed up with this huge piece of equipment that I had no clue what to do with. You were there every day from the colostrum we swabbed in Mercy's cheeks to the first time we tried nursing during her regular tube feeding. You reminded me when I wept that it was not worth weeping over. When I cried over 10 cc's, you reminded me that 10 cc's was better than no cc's, and when there are no cc's that's ok too. You reminded me that Mercy was growing, and as far as feeding her went, that's what counted, not breast milk vs. formula.

Mama breastfeeding gurus, you have been there and back.
Your advice and the non judgmental viewpoints from mama's who struggled were immensely helpful to me when I wanted to quit. You shared your experiences, your successes, your hearts.

Breastfeeding gurus, you encouraged me not to give up, and when it was time to give up and I felt like I had failed, you encouraged me to look at my big eight month old girl growing like a weed. The evidence of incredible success stands in front of me each and every day!

Yesterday, as I packed up our Medela bottles that held so many triumphs and tears, I was reminded of the picture you painted for me...

...a picture of a King who didn't give up on a difficult mission, who, to the world, appeared to have failed His mission as He hung dying on a cross. But, oh, the success that was clearly before Him, clearly before us as we experience His saving graces each and every day!

THANK YOU for the example you set for me, the reminder that success may not look like what the world (or I!) thinks it should look like, the reminder of a King who wouldn't give up so that I could stand in His presence one day.

YOU made a difference, you had an impact on our lives!

Thank you!


**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Dear Friend Who Knew Me

To many people I come off as a totally awkward, not sure what to say but super happy introvert with some ridiculous anxiety thrown in here and there.

You, friend, are one of a handful of friends who sees right through that awkward lady with issues.

I don't know how, I never see it coming, but every now and then somebody does it, somebody knows me totally and completely. You know me.

I'll never forget the moment I realized it.

Day two in the hospital, I returned a text from you asking if I needed anything.

"Something comfy, elastic-y, something to make me feel pretty." I was so over the hospital gown.

You work next door to a thrift shoppe, I didn't know what you would find, but surely they had something elastic-y in there!

You said you would see what you could do, and then I waited with my puffy knees expecting some type of old lady gown to drape over my swollen-ness.

You walked through the door with a box and a big smile, it was so good to see your face!

...and friend, the memory of opening that box you brought me has become for me such a physical representation of Psalm 139.

You have searched me, Lord,

and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before,

and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

too lofty for me to attain.

(vv. 1-6)

That day and over the course of the next seven weeks those verses would mean more to me than I ever realized they would.

I needed that reminder, I needed to remember that God knew me, He knew what I needed when I needed it, He knew each and every moment of those days, they were written in His book.

Even more so, I needed the reminder that He knew that tiny girl laying in an incubator down the hall raising her hand to the sky and praising Him with these words:

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;

all the days ordained for me were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand—

when I awake, I am still with you.

(vv. 13-18)

Thank you friend, for reminding me how good it is to know Him and to be known by Him!

Oh, and when I opened the box you handed me, I pulled out the shiniest hot pink satin pajamas with a loose drawstring waistband... amazing!


**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Dear Doctor Who Loved Me Well

You must have thought I was an emotional nutcase...

I can't even put a number on the amount of times you were doing your rounds and ended up by my baby girl's isolette comforting this weeping mama.

I remember one time very specifically...

Mercy was having a super day, cruising along, growing, eating, breathing, everything we could hope for.

...and you found me there weeping.

I'm not just talking about wispy eyed, two or three tears either... this was an all out crazy lady SOB FEST!

You put your hand on my back and asked me why I was crying.

"I don't know..." I could hardly even get those three simple words out through the sobbing craziness going on.

To be completely honest, I was an emotional mess for a couple of months after Mercy came, I believe I was dealing with some postpartum depression, and often when there was nothing to do other than celebrate huge victories, I would look at my child in that incubator and cry because I still had to go home to an empty nursery... and that made me so sad.

I was real good at celebrating and I was real good at crying. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how I could be so filled with joy and so so sad at the exact same time.

You got it and no matter how many babies you still needed to see you always took the time to put a compassionate hand on my back and talk me through it. I don't know if you are remotely aware of how much those talks meant to me or what they did for my confused heartache...

...but all those times you found me crying at my sweet girl's bedside, all those times you counseled me, not only on her health but on the importance of my role in her life in those moments, all the compassion you had for me... you painted a picture for me...

...a picture of Someone who met me in my weakest moment, who had compassion on this sinner, compassion that carried Him down a path that would enable me have the capacity to feel joy even in sadness and in fear.

You reminded me of the JOY Christ experienced during His horrendous death on the cross and what that means for me, for my daughter!

Those babies and mama's hearts that you touch are so blessed, and we are so blessed to have been two of them!

Thank you!
  Mercy's Mama


**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**