Signs of Growth

When Jesus was being tried for claiming to be the Messiah, one of His closest friends, Peter, was asked by three different onlookers if he knew Jesus. This is what happened:

Now Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard. And a servant girl came up to him and said, “You also were with Jesus the Galilean.” But he denied it before them all, saying, “I do not know what you mean.” And when he went out to the entrance, another servant girl saw him, and she said to the bystanders, “This man was with Jesus of Nazareth.” And again he denied it with an oath: “I do not know the man.” After a little while the bystanders came up and said to Peter, “Certainly you too are one of them, for your accent betrays you.” Then he began to invoke a curse on himself and to swear, “I do not know the man.” (Matthew 26:69-75)

This was one of Jesus's closest friends and followers, someone who claimed to believe with all his heart that Jesus was the Messiah... Sounds to me like Peter had some growing to do.

Speaking of growth... Wanna see some remarkable comparisons? Chris and I decided it would be neat to "recreate" some moments we had in the NICU and see how Mercy has grown. Honestly, the results took me by surprise. I checked and rechecked to make sure I hadn't resized the images incorrectly... to me, they are unbelievable and look photoshopped. What do you think?

Look at those thighs!
...and how much more of Chris's arm she occupies!

This is the most unbelievable comparison.
Her head! ...and her forearm that was once the size of Chris's thumb!

This is the same hat. The color looks different due to lighting,
but see that crease in the hat in the left photo?
That's where it's folded in the right photo!

Pretty unbelievable right? That's the difference three months, four pounds and five inches makes! We went to the doctor today and Mercy has almost TRIPLED her birthweight! She is 6lb 10.5oz, and 20 1/4 inches long! We knew she was growing and looking HUGE, but I really don't remember her being that tiny. She has grown! ...and as she has grown she has physically changed so much! She has little rolls everywhere, an awesome double chin, her arms are so thick and her cheeks are so chubby and kissable! It's crazy and amazing, and we are loving it!

I'm just not sure you can grow without showing signs of growth. Take Peter for instance... Jesus was crucified, buried, resurrected and appeared to His disciples, Peter was witness to all of this, and Peter's faith grew. So much, in fact, that after Jesus' ascension into heaven, Peter preached to the crowds, the same Peter who denied Jesus three times just days earlier. This is what happened:

But Peter, standing with the eleven, lifted up his voice and addressed them: “Men of Judea and all who dwell in Jerusalem, let this be known to you, and give ear to my words...
...Jesus of Nazareth, a man attested to you by God with mighty works and wonders and signs that God did through him in your midst, as you yourselves know— this Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men. God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it."
...And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."
...So those who received his word were baptized, and there were added that day about three thousand souls. (Acts 2:14,22-23,38&41)

Growth changes us. No... GOD changes us. God initiates growth in us, and when we grow, we change. You cannot claim to be growing in your faith if you look the same as you did yesterday. If Mercy's little head still fit in the palm of Chris's hand like it did in that first photo, I could not sit here telling you that she was growing. She would be stagnant and unhealthy, and we would have to address that. In the same way, if you say your desire is to grow in your relationship with Christ, but you look the same as you have looked forever, that is something you may need to address. There are many areas in my personal life where I'm struggling with this. Anxiety, gossip, distrust, etc... I need to grow, I need to grasp for the growth my Savior offers me. 

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." (2 Corinthians 5:17)

It is a beautiful and incredible thing to overcome your struggles and allow God to grow you. It's an AWESOME thing to come out on the other side a new creation.  What are some areas where you need to grow? Have you asked God to grow you, or have you become stagnant, wanting to grow but maybe not wanting to look different? Let me encourage you, God is so good, so worthy of your complete trust. He is working in me in incredible ways through the work He has done in my daughter. He will work in you too. Don't be afraid to ask, it's much much scarier to stay the same, 2 pounds, 15 inches, skin and bones... Let's grow together, let's put some meat on our bones!

What To Expect...

I was sitting in bed recently feeding Mercy and just looking around the room... I saw a stack of books on my dresser that I had been reading while I was pregnant. On top of the stack was the book that I would say probably about 99% of pregnant women read and trust to be good information for these 9 VERY interesting months of our lives: What To Expect When You're Expecting.

I had to laugh... It's a decent book, I found it very informative for the 6 months I read through it. Although, if I'm honest, nothing about my pregnancy was what I expected, and if I were to imagine a perfect book to have read through in those 6 1/2 months it would have been this:

What to Expect *when nothing is what you expected* When You're Expecting

Here's what I expected, the brief version:

• I expected to be SICK for the first three months, assuming I would inherit that from my mother, and assuming that I would experience what most women experience: first trimester morning sickness.
• I expected to be healthy and happy as my belly grew during my second trimester, feeling the baby move and hiccup, and just loving every minute of it, afterall, that's what the books told me would happen.
• I expected to be pretty uncomfortable during my third trimester, counting down the days until baby Ellzey would arrive, healthy and hopefully before my 30th birthday!
• I expected to have a giant baby, because I was a giant baby.

Here's what I didn't expect, the even briefer version:

• I didn't expect to feel incredibly awesome my first trimester, not a minute of morning sickness!
• I didn't expect my belly to start growing HUGELY so quickly, causing many of us to wonder, could there be two babies in there??
• I didn't expect to be so so so incredibly miserably uncomfortable and sick for a good bit of my second trimester, sometimes not feeling baby girl Ellzey move for days at a time. Scary.
• I sure didn't expect to get a liver disease that one in a thousand women experience, causing me to fear my child would be stillborn if we didn't take action fast.
• I didn't expect to develop preeclampsia, or to lose every last bit of amniotic fluid in my body.
• I most definitely did NOT expect to be uncomfortable during my third trimester due to it being cut short and me being cut open to get baby Mercy out in a hurry ten weeks early.
• I didn't expect to spend the middle seven weeks of my last trimester in the NICU, praying for my baby to live and grow and come home.
• ...and I DEFINITELY didn't expect to have a two pound baby, because I was a GIANT baby!

What I learned from my very bizarre pregnancy is that no pregnancy is like any other pregnancy. No book can tell you what to really expect when you're expecting. There certainly are some typical parts of pregnancy that most women experience, and a lot pregnancies are definitely more "typical" than others... but many aren't, mine wasn't, and from it, I ended up relearned an old lesson my dad taught me when I was 15.

I was learning to drive, and my biggest struggle was left curves. Not turns... curves... couldn't get them down, I took them hard and late, and we ended up having to spend a whole lotta of time just focussing on those pesky left curves, ha! So I learned that lesson, but the biggest lesson my dad taught me during that period of my life was to "Never assume anything." Things like: "Just because that car's blinker isn't on, don't go assuming he's not going to change lanes. You have to watch, and be safe."

I've carried that lesson with me in many areas of my life. Sadly, I didn't even consider it in pregnancy, and all of that craziness really caught me off guard... but no worries, God is good, and all of that happened in a way that worked to grow me and transform me and I couldn't be more grateful.

...and really, isn't that very thing in itself unexpected?

I find that SO. MUCH. about my walk with Christ is not what I expect it to be... and I think that if there were a book about what to expect when you surrender your life to Christ, it would be filled with a great many truths that are so not what you would expect.

No Christian walk is the same, and nobody's faith looks the same as another person's, but one thing is the same: God. He has never changed and He will never change, that you can count on, that you can expect. His love for His children is solid and unchanging. The way that each of us experiences His love differs greatly and is often unexpected. Many people expect to get rich when they start going to church and putting a few dollars in the offering plate. Many people expect to have smooth sailing from here on out when they make the commitment to follow God. The truth is, God doesn't promise financial blessings and He doesn't promise that we won't suffer when we put our lives in His hands. In fact, He promises quite the opposite. In John 16:33 He says very plainly, "In this world you will have trouble." 

Many children of God expect to crumble when going through trials, myself included. In the NICU, I found myself in pieces almost daily, it was expected and it was true. What was unexpected was how faithfully God was there to pick up the pieces each and every day, how awesomely His name was glorified, and how I came out of that trial a stronger woman of God, knowing peace and trust like I have never experienced before

...and that's what He does, that's what He promises. In that same passage where He states that we will have trouble, He completes His thought, "But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Let's be honest, we're going to encounter suffering whether we are found in Christ or not... the difference is in the longevity of the suffering. I believe it is much more appealing to experience temporary suffering with a reward of an eternity of peace in Christ. And that's a promise!

So will we experience what we expect when we enter into a relationship with Him? Probably not. Will it be worth it? Oh yes!! 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
Romans 8:28

Remember the rare liver disease I was diagnosed with? Here's a bit of *Romans 8:28* unexpectedness: If God hadn't given me liver disease, I never would have known that I had preeclampsia and no amniotic fluid, as I would not have been at the hospital for routine monitoring on January 18th.  We would not have Mercy alive and well with us today. God works through the unexpected. How has He worked in unexpected ways in your life?

The birthday girl!

One more thing... if everything had gone as expected, I would not have been able to tell my sweet six pound baby girl, "HAPPY THREE MONTH BIRTHDAY" today!!! Can't believe I have a three month old! She is growing up and getting bigger and stronger each day! So enjoying this chapter of our lives! Thank you all for praying with us each step of the way!

Ooh, Ahh!

As you can imagine, over the last three months Chris and I have had a rotating door of family coming to meet and spend time with Mercy. These have been some very special moments for Chris and me. Getting to see and experience the love that our parents and sisters and aunts and uncles have for our baby girl, and witnessing some of the precious moments between them has been awesome. Listening to my dad sing to Mercy the song he sang to me growing up, watching Chris's dad from a distance as he fed Mercy for the first time, just the two of them, watching the tears roll down my sister's face the first time we placed Mercy in her arms... I could go on and on... One of our favorite things is just standing at a distance and listening to them ooh and ahh over her. Just like us, none of them can get enough of her, they could stare at her all day, and still not have had enough! In their eyes, she is just about perfect!

I was listening to Chris's parents ooh and ahh just the other weekend, and I wondered... does God, our Father, ooh and ahh over us??

...afterall, when creating the universe, He stated that everything He made was "good." But when He made man from the dust of the earth, He stated that man was "very good." That seems like a type of oohing and ahhing, doesn't it?

Unfortunately, we read that not long after those very words were spoken, mankind ruined "very good..." and we continue to ruin "very good" to this day, with our constant sinfulness and unrepentance.

And really, are we that different from Mercy?? In the very moments that her grandparents were in awe of her apparent perfection, she was probably stinkin' it up with a big poopy diaper. That same night, she most likely screamed and woke her parents up several times, resulting in a very sleepy momma the next day, I'm sure she peed on several clean outfits each day that weekend, and she most certainly spit up on almost all of us several times. She ruins perfection. It's an unfair standard though... She's a baby, and those are all things that babies do. Do they make her less precious in our eyes, or make us love her any less? Please... Of course not! We couldn't love this kid more than we do when she pees on us, it's just so precious and hilarious, I wanna pick her up and squeeze her adorableness! ...of course, first I have to clean her.

Similarly, "very good" is a standard we can't reach. We are a sinful people. By nature, we will never reach "very good." We ruin it each and every day... we're human and we're sinful and that's what we do. Of course, when we are in Christ, does our sinfulness cause Him to love us any less?? I don't think it does... 

But... because we're sinful and God is holy, we cannot be in His presence covered in sin. We have to be cleaned first!

Isn't it awesome that we belong to the best cleanser of all time? When Jesus gave His life up on the cross, each of His children were washed clean! He even calls us His treasured possession! I think that sounds like some ooh's and ahh's, don't you? 

BUT... read this again: "Similarly, "very good" is a standard we can't reach." A couple of side notes that make our situation with sin very different from Mercy's situation as an infant. "Very good" is NOT an unfair standard for us, and our sin nature does NOT give us a free pass to sin. Unlike Mercy, who get's a free pass to pee on us and scream at 3am, WE are called to turn from our sin and follow Christ. We are called to reach for the goal of "very good" knowing that it is unattainable and the only way we can be clean in God's presence is through Jesus Christ. Isn't it fantastically awesome that we are so deeply loved by our Creator that we are given the opportunity to turn from our sin and be clean?? Gosh, I love that!

So, we went to the doctor Tuesday... Mercy was 5lb 13.5oz! She had gained an ounce a day since our last visit, and if that has continued, she should be right at SIX POUNDS today!! I can't believe it, she will have tripled her birthweight before we know it! She is getting so big, and we couldn't be more in love with her preciousness. She has just as much personality as she did in the NICU plus lots of smiles! She makes eye contact with us and follows us with her eyes, she picks her head up when she's laying against us and looks right into our eyes! She is so strong and so fantastic! It won't be long before we can take her out and introduce her to the world! Can't wait for that!

Thanks for sticking around and keeping us all in your prayers! We continue to grow together and learn from each other and it. is. awesome!

Turning 30

I always had pictured in my head what it would be like to turn 30. I fully believed it would probably be one of the top 10 most traumatic days of my life. Not just my life up until then, but my life, my entire life. I think I felt like turning 30 would mean saying goodbye to my last bit of "youngness." I would no longer be a young adult, just an adult... a 30 year old adult. Ugh!

Well, today I turned 30... and I have to say, it has most definitely been the best birthday yet! Waking up this morning and seeing Mercy's sweet face all precious in her little sleeper next to our bed.... no, turning 30 wasn't so bad after all.

In fact, I think I'm going to like this next decade very much! Not only is today my big 30th birthday, but it's Mercy's one month anniversary of being home! Can't believe it's been a month! I was literally telling people this past week that she had been home for about a week and a half... Wrong! a MONTH! How did that happen??

The best part about all of this is that today marks the first of years and years of 'month anniversaries' with this precious gift being home with us. I can't imagine a better birthday blessing than the celebration of this little life we've been blessed with and her homecoming.

Our homecoming/birthday picture!

I love this passage, as I think about this next decade and reflect on the last 2 1/2 months...

Listen to me, you descendants of Jacob,

all the remnant of the people of Israel,

you whom I have upheld since your birth,

and have carried since you were born.

Even to your old age and gray hairs

I am he, I am he who will sustain you.

I have made you and I will carry you;

I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:3-4

January 18 was so unexpected, such a surprise that I never would have chosen for myself. I had such big plans for my pregnancy. None of them came to be... BUT the end result was perfect, exactly as it was planned from before the creation of the world... and although if asked beforehand I would never have chosen this journey, looking back on it now I wouldn't change it for anything. I'm SO grateful for each moment since January 18.

I don't know what this next decade will hold for us. I have such tendencies to want to control the outcome of all situations in my life. I'm learning how completely ridiculous that is, and my hope is that I can continue to draw from our experience with Mercy in the NICU and remember how God carried us through His good and perfect will for Mercy's first seven weeks... that I can completely rely on and trust in HIM to achieve His good and perfect will, that I would throw control out the window, toss my plans out with it, and let Him accomplish His plans for us... that I would accept surprises and hardships with complete trust in HIS control of the situation. I know that looking back on this next decade will reveal something awesome... that even when we are brought down a path we wouldn't have chosen, even to our old age and gray hairs, it is HE who will sustain us. He has made us and He will carry us; He will sustain us and He will rescue us... and He will sustain you too!

What an awesome promise! So looking forward to whatever lies ahead! 

So turning 30 wasn't at all what I expected. I don't feel all old and decrepit like I thought I would... I feel so full, so blessed, so ready and excited for what my 30's will hold!

Thank you for walking here with me! It has been a very awesome journey!

Scallop Wall Tutorial!

Hello!!

This is the long awaited tutorial for the scallop wall in my daughter's nursery! I've back dated the post so it will show up immediately after the reveal post, but am actually writing this a year and a half later... hope my memory's not too foggy!! But truthfully, this process was not terribly complicated. Just time consuming and tedious.

This is where we started... Boooring. At the time, this was the color of all but one wall in our house, and I hate it. 

I. Love. Color. So when it came time to create a masterpiece for the nursery, I had to go a little crazy!

This super pink. LOVE it, and it covers three walls in the nursery.

This is the lighter of the two blues. The night before the big project, we went ahead and painted the pink walls, and we painted the entire accent wall this lighter blue.

...and this is what it looked like in the morning! Honestly, I would have been happy with it just like this, and my mom, who did most of the painting, tried her hardest to convince me. BUT I had a mermaid nursery to create, and there was no stopping me!

After painting the walls, we went to work on the template. I happened to have a big box in the attic from a TV we got several years back. we cut one side and unfolded the box to make one long strip. We made one scallop the size I wanted by using a pin, some string and a pencil. Stuck the pin, tied the string around it and the pencil and then drew a half circle. Then we used an xacto knife to cut it out! We used that template to draw the scallops across the long strip of cardboard as seen in the photo below, leaving about two inches between the point of the scallop and the top of the cardboard. Sorry for the quality! Had to grab this one from instagram...

Then, again, we used the knife to cut the long strip of scallops.

A couple of friends came over the next morning for the hard part. TRACING. This was definitely the hardest part. Especially because I did NOT want the scallops to begin in the corner right at their point... I don't know, I'm weird... Anyway, much harder than it sounds, they held the template and traced around it LIGHTLY with a pencil, and they just moved down the wall. 

And here they are! All traced on, and you can see where we had to make some adjustments... That's due to my weirdness with the points not starting in the corner.

And the painting began!! I'm guessing we did the x's so we wouldn't paint the wrong scallops, but can't totally remember. This is my sweet friend Angie who brought her tiny paint brushes over to take care of the those tiny points. We used a bigger brush for the rest of the outline, but not too much bigger, as you can see in this photo.

This is my sweet friend Sara with the tiny roller. I guess it was four inches or so, but it really made quick work of the inside of the scallops! Like I said, the tracing was the hardest part! The outlining in paint wasn't so much hard as it was tedious and slow, the rest was easy peasy!

These wonderful ladies working hard!!

The rolling went sooo quickly, so then we were all able to help with the outlines, but we left the points to Angie and she did an amazing job!

And here it is!! The finished wall!

I think what helped the most in the process was deciding at the last minute to paint the entire wall the lighter blue the night before. I can't even imagine how much longer this would have taken if we hadn't done that! 

A LOT of work... But was it worth it??

7 weeks

OH yes!!

2 months

What do YOU think??

1 year

7 weeks - 6 months - 9 months - 1 year - 18 months

Mercy's Mermaid Wonderland

I am very excited about this post! I've been dying to get some good photos of Mercy's nursery, I have had SO. MUCH. FUN planning it and decorating it! So I'm very excited to share it here!

Before I get to that, I'll give you an update on our Mercy girl. We had a doctor's appointment today and were able to talk about apnea, weight gain, nursing, vaccinations, etc... It was a good visit. Yesterday Mercy had another episode of apnea, she wasn't breathing and her alarm went off. This time she was sleeping on Chris and he was right there to startle her into breathing again and all was well. Get ready for a post about how grateful I am for that heart monitor! So we decided to go up on her caffeine, from .55ml to .6ml. Yes, .05ml is enough to make a difference! Hard to believe, like how 5 calories per feeding is enough to make a difference in her weight gain... so funny. BUT that extra 5 calories sure is making a difference! Mercy is three pounds and one ounce heavier than her birth weight, weighing in today at 5lb 6oz! She's also 4 inches longer, today she was 19 inches! It's hard for me to even remember her being that tiny, she is growing so fast! God is good. Period.

Pinterest is my friend and where my original inspiration for this room came from. My good friend Angie found this wall on Pinterest and said it looks like a mermaid fin: http://pinterest.com/pin/279504720595177079/ 

...it does, and I wanted a mermaid themed room, so that is where we began... with Mercy's mermaid wonderwall:

Amazing mermaid wonderwall credit goes to Angie Lofton, Sara Clark and my mom. I was super pregnant and super sick, and I think I did an awesome job supervising! (here's the tutorial post on the scalloped wall if you're interested!) ...and of course, the other three walls had to be super pink, otherwise this wouldn't be Anna Kathryn's daughter's nursery, right?

Next we (and by 'we' I mean my mom, while I, again, supervised awesomely) refinished this old chest of drawers which was once Mercy's Granddaddy's!

Love it! Oh, and the lamp, that was Mercy's first room decoration, a gift from our dear friends the Ballays! Isn't it fantastic??

Here are some shots of the finished product:

 I made the bedding, I might redo the skirt one day for something a little louder... it'll do for now! The frames came from thrift shops and were spray painted white and the graphics I did on Illustrator. 

We love her. 

 I made the drapes from the same fabric inside the bumper pads. So. Simple. Just hemmed them and used rings with clips to hang them! I actually didn't even hem the bottom, I decided I liked them pooled on the carpet like that.

The quilt was made by a good friend who volunteers where I worked before Mercy came into the world (facebook.com/samcenfoodbank). It matches the drapes and bedding as well! ...and I made the pillows with leftover fabric. I did most of the artwork and sewing in the room, I was determined to create an awesome space on a very small budget, and I'm crafty anyways so it was fun!

Gotta keep the pink Clemson hat and socks displayed!

 The beginning of Mercy's cross wall! That cross in the middle was a wood cross from Hobby Lobby that I modpodged with tissue paper from the weekly gifts we received in the mail from one of Chris's neighbors! 

Our snuggle spot. I'm in love with this chair, so comfy! 

 Some of our favorite photos from our time in the NICU, and that's our first valentine from Mercy, one of her sweet nurses made it!

I just love that lamp. 

...and he is my favorite part of the room, Mr. Whale Hamper! Look how he watches over everything!

Here's a collage of the room that the amazing Melissa Breedlove (http://www.melissabreedlove.com/#) put together from our homecoming photoshoot:

Pretty awesome, right??

So that's it, Mercy's Mermaid Wonderland, best room in the house! Hope you enjoyed touring it as much as I enjoyed creating it! Now... if I could make our other rooms look as awesome as this one...

Feelin like a bad momma...

Mercy's heart monitor has eight or so different lights on it. The lights across the bottom just tell us if it's on, plugged in, low battery, that type of thing. The three lights above those are the one's that blink to tell us she's breathing and her heart is beating, and they SCREAM when something is wrong. 

The normal scenario is this: the band that wraps around Mercy's chest holding the leads shifts around because she's such a wiggle worm and they stop picking up her heart beat. The alarm goes off telling us she has a low heart rate... she doesn't really, the monitor is confused because the leads are funky. The only alarm that has ever gone off is the low heart rate alarm, and only on two or three occasions have we actually thought she was having an episode of bradycardia. 

So today, I put her in a precious dress and we celebrated Easter at home while Chris went to church. His family just got to town and were meeting him at church then coming to our house for an Easter crawfish boil. So when they were on their way home I decided to take the monitor off for photos when they got here. No big deal, it almost never goes off and we would be right with her to notice if her color was changing or her heart slowed down. It didn't, and she did fine... 

So, we headed out back for the crawfish and decided to leave Mercy just inside the door with her audio/video monitor on her. Last minute decision, I was a little uneasy about being outside while she was inside by herself, so I put her heart monitor back on and we headed out.

Not two minutes after we sat down, the alarm began screaming. Didn't worry me too much, and I got inside to make sure she was fine after about ten or fifteen seconds. By then it had stopped alarming and she looked peaceful and asleep. I reached down to the monitor to hit the reset button and saw something that I had not seen before...

It was not the low heart rate alarm... it was the breathing alarm. She had briefly stopped breathing... the alarm doesn't go off unless she hasn't taken a breath for 20 seconds and it went off for at least five or ten before it stopped. She was fine and she was breathing again, but the problem is... she hadn't taken a breath for over twenty seconds, and she was by herself inside. I wasn't there... I should have been there.

How can I make sure I don't let her forget to breathe for twenty seconds ever again? How can I make sure I'm there everytime she needs me? How can I keep her from making mistakes and getting hurt? How can I......?

Gotta face a tough reality.... I can't.

...and somehow I have to be ok with that.

WHAT??? I'm not sure that seems even remotely possible!

I'm really struggling with this today. I know that's not my role... and thank God it isn't! I could never protect her well enough, and I would fail as her protector.

So thankful for her Heavenly Father, Who promises never to leave or forsake His children. So grateful that while she rests in my physical arms, she rests in His perfect and protective heavenly arms. SO. GRATEFUL. that whatever the outcome of her life is, HE. IS. GOOD. and has not, will not, forsake us.

Have to remember to trust Him when I can't be there, when my head tells me to forget it and take control of the situation, when I'm scared, fearful, anxious, when it's just plain hard to trust Him... trust Him. He is GOOD! 

I certainly don't have it figured out, I'm still getting wispy when I picture that red light next to the illustration of lungs on her monitor, when I think about her little body not breathing in any oxygen for more than 20 seconds, when I remember not being there for her. Still feeling like a bad momma for not being there when she needed me. Still worrying about her and still praying for trust.

Pray with me?

What a gift she is... Look at her today, all dressed up for our Easter celebration and smiling for the camera:

This was our Easter sermon today: http://www.radical.net/media/series/view/17/adoption-an-easter-story/audio?filter=book&book=40
We still can't go to church, so we listened to an old Easter service from Church at Brook Hills and were so blessed by David Platt's sermon on adoption into the family of God. You should listen, it's good stuff!

Thank you for reading and thank you for praying. Today we are asking God for increased trust as I continue to be her momma by daily laying her in His protective arms.