Feeling Nostalgic

Here's something you've probably figured out about me:
I LOVE living in the past!

I absolutely love memories and reminiscing...

Example:
My cousin and I used to paint all of our memories from her summer trip to Georgia on a pole in our granny's basement. The next year on her first night in town we would stay up literally ALL night reading our memories from the previous summers, laughing and being way too loud.

Funny, the memories of reminiscing about the memories have ended up being some of my very favorite memories!

Get it?

Here's a throwback just in case:

Hilarious, right?

Anyway... all that being said, I knew this day was coming... I've been anticipating it for, ohh, 365 days... and I'm totally excited about it!

Last year this time I would have thought today would bring nightmares of waking up in the middle of the night itching uncontrollably... of scouring the internet at 4am for answers to this bizarre invisible rash that threatened to take the skin off of my hands and feet from the constant scratching... of reading the most frightening words I had ever read: "stillbirth."

Last December 18th I knew there was no way I would ever look forward to reminiscing about that night.

Hindsight is 20/20, right? 

Turns out it was liver disease that was causing the itching: Cholestasis of Pregnancy. It wouldn't affect my health even a little. Well... other than the constant scratching the skin off of my body with no relief whatsoever, but that was more of an annoyance than anything... a horrible, awful annoyance that I hope I never relive, but just an annoyance nonetheless. 

The danger was to the sweet baby girl I was carrying. Mercy was 26 weeks at that time and this disease threatened to take her life.

We decided with our doctor that we would deliver early, at 36 weeks, to avoid the chance of stillbirth after that point.

Still... I feared. I feared every day that I would lose her. If I didn't feel her kicking for a little while, I feared so much that she was gone. I feared I would never hold her alive, or hear her cries or laughter, watch her grow... I feared so hard, I trusted so little. It was a dark month for me.

The worst part was the two weeks I waited to be diagnosed. I had pretty much diagnosed myself the night after the itching started, fearing the worst knowing the possible outcome of this disease, and knowing I needed to be monitored but couldn't be, I just had to wait for confirmation and scratch... and scratch some more. 

Then, on January 3rd, the call came... It was cholestasis. Oh, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. The fear deepened, the trust crept further and further away...

Good memories, right? Looking for the hindsight part?

Little did I know, there was a group of people back in Georgia praying. They prayed that if there was even the slightest chance that we could lose baby Mercy before 36 weeks, that something would happen to bring her into the world even earlier.

Exactly one month after the itching started, that something happened. Several things, actually. Several things I would not have known about if I hadn't been at the hospital being monitored for a disease that had absolutely nothing to do with the somethings that happened.

1. Preeclampsia. People, you should have seen my feet. I have pictures but I'll spare you. Craziness.
2. ZERO amniotic fluid. That's right, zero, absolutely no fluid whatsoever.
3. IUGR, intrauterine growth restriction. That means baby Mercy was measuring small. We were 30 weeks along, but only measuring 28.

The sweet nurse who I'll never forget expressed her gratefulness that I was there. If I hadn't been there that day, we would have most certainly lost little Mercy, and possibly her mama too. They were going to have to get her out. Immediately. They shot me with some last minute steroids and started preparing me for the emergency c-section. 

It's funny because I have such terrible memory, but every detail of that day is SO vivid. (oh, except for where I left my flip flops... sad.) That sweet two pound baby girl came into the world with the most precious whimper I've ever heard and ready to fight... and fight she did for seven weeks before she came home to be held and loved on, to cry, to laugh and grow.

That's the hindsight, friends. One year ago today, I developed liver disease. And I'll be honest, I've probably never been so grateful for anything. I know I've said this before, but there is not a single doubt in my mind that I was given liver disease to save Mercy's life. Best. Christmas. Gift. Ever.

...and now I'm picturing Santa coming down our chimney to deliver some ice packs, Gold Bond anti-itch lotion and a hard bristle brush for the moments of weakness.

He didn't deliver Cholestasis though... I will never stop praising God for what He did December 18, 2012. He set into motion the events He would use to save my baby girl and to renew my trust in Him a thousand-fold.

Ever think that the trials you're going through might just lead to something more beautiful than you could ever imagine? Place your trust in the One who is sovereign over all things, and keep in mind that He promises to work all these things together for your good. (Romans 8:28)

So I'm enjoying the memories today. LOVING the events that have unfolded in the last year, looking forward to reminiscing about all of them each and every day!

I hope you all have the Merriest of Christmases! We love y'all so very much, thank you for being such a pivotal part of our journey and our memories this past year!

"I thank my God every time I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy!"

--Philippians 1:3

Feeling Thankful

Predictable, right? ...a Thanksgiving post about thankfulness.

To be honest, it's a post I've had on my heart every day since January 18, and it'll continue to be on my heart long after today.

Over the last 28 days I've been reading facebook status after facebook status about what my friends are thankful for each day up to today. What a happy month, celebrations of our many blessings each and every day, leading up to this glorious day of family, food and of course, football.

Love it.

Over the last 10 1/2 months, I have not had to dig too deep or look too hard to find things to be thankful for or reasons to say, "Thank you!"

THIS:

has become a very humbling spot for me to sit...

About 150 notes in with many many more to go...

...and today, I would like to say "Thank you!"

Thank you to each and every one of you who has supported us and loved us over the last 10 months.

Thank you for being the reason that just last week I went to Target and bought clothes for the first time for our ten month old... oh, and I paid for them with a gift card.

Thank you for the fact that to this day, we have not spent a dime on diapers, wipes, formula, baby food...

Thank you for the toys that Mercy can't get enough of, she is learning new skills as she plays with the gifts that you gave her!

Thank you for meals you cooked us while we were back and forth from the NICU and continued to bring us when we were home adjusting to life with a new baby. Thank you for the frozen meals that continued to feed us on busy nights until just recently.

Thank you for spending your time with Mercy when the requirements of working with youth don't include diapers, bottles or a baby.

Friends, thank you for your touch. In immense fear and in celebration, your touch, your hugs, your hands in mine and your shoulders to lean and cry on. Your physical presence and touch have brought overwhelming peace and blessings.

Thank you for your sweet comments, your hearts for our daughter, your excitement as we all watch her grow and change...

Thank you... I can't thank you enough, you will never ever know how grateful we are to each one of you who has loved us... who has prayed for us.

Your petitions and pleas to our Savior are part of the reason we made it through the NICU in one piece. The peace that you prayed for us washed over us daily, and continues to. Your prayers for complete healing in Mercy's body and in my heart were granted. God is absolutely sovereign and His grace and mercy have been abundant. Thank you for being the instruments He has used over the last ten months to teach us this in a very personal and intimate way time and time again.

Your friendships are irreplaceable, YOU have deeply impacted our lives. You are so more deeply loved by the three of us than I could ever express here.

Thank you!

...and Super Happy Thanksgiving!

Friends, let's extend our days of gratitude to the end of the year, the beginning of next year, all the way through next November, then let's start over. So much to be grateful for, so many blessings...

I love you all.

"I thank my God every time I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy."

Philippians 1:3

i CAN wait.

I was sitting on the back porch about a week ago just swinging and watching the hummingbirds with Mercy, and I started thinking about how fast this time is passing. She was sitting up in my lap like a big girl giggling at Joe (the dog), and startling each time a hummingbird buzzed past us.

It was one of those moments that you just want to freeze and tuck away in a box so you can revisit it in the future.

I think I've had about a thousand of those moments over the last nine months...

This is certainly one of them:

...the first moments I spent with Mercy, and the first time she wrapped her sweet little fingers around mine. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. I remember thinking to myself, "I can't wait to bring her home and watch her grow."

Here's another one:

It came... the day we got to bring her home!! Big moment for us, I cried like a baby that day and I remember thinking, "I can't wait to watch her grow at home with us and see her little personality come out."

Over the last nine months, I've proclaimed excitement over so many future milestones.

I've said how much I can't wait for her to get some teeth! Not a thought of how I'll miss her big gummy smile...

I've said how much I can't wait until she can sit up independently or take her first steps! I didn't realize that would mean saying goodbye to many of our sweet snuggles...

I've said how much I can't wait to hear her first words! Her silly squeals and our times of quietness together will soon be long gone...

I can't wait...

I can't wait....... I. Can't. Wait!!!

Well, friends... we're there. I have a 14lb 13oz, 2'3 nine month old with two teeth and a board on Pinterest planning her first birthday.

This child is growing too rapidly and has more personality than any of us know what to do with... and what I'm realizing is this:

It's. Too. Soon.

It's too fast and those sweet moments are flying by...

That first time she wrapped her fingers around mine, was I too busy thinking about what I couldn't wait for to appreciate that moment for the miracle that it was? Did I relish in her precious, tiny details enough when she was just a couple of pounds? Did I run my fingers across the silky soft preemie fuzz that covered her shoulders and back knowing I only had a few weeks to enjoy this sweet detail? Did I cherish each snuggle as much as I should have, knowing she would outgrow her desire to rest in my arms? Did I squeal with her enough, giggle with her enough, take in the sound of her soft breaths in my ear when she rests her cheek against mine? Have I treasured each smile and the newness of each moment with a grateful heart, as I know tomorrow will bring completely different newness?

Have I loved her enough right now?

...or have I been too caught up in what I can't wait to happen tomorrow to realize what a gift I have in her right this moment?

I'm working on changing my vocabulary. I must change it.

"I can't wait...?" That needs to stop. It is kidnapping the precious moments I spend with my daughter, it is stealing the momentous miracle that each of those moments is... When it slips out, I just have to apologize to my sweet girl and tell her how much this moment means to me.

"I love you right now. I love what you're doing right this second. I'm so proud of you. These moments are such a gift, YOU are such a blessing to me today and I absolutely can wait!"

Remember when I said I couldn't wait for her little personality to come out?

Well that happened... but I think we'll be calling it a BIG personality!

As much as I wish I could put moments like this one in boxes and revisit them, I can't. They come and they go, and our little ones grow up just a little too quickly.

And you know what? I think I can wait.

It happened...

Last night I told Chris I would be headed to bed before he finished brushing his teeth...

Then... it happened.

It happens every three or four weeks, always keeping me up until 2 or 3am... crying, smiling and feeling the love.

Yep. Last night it happened again... I started thinking about January.

This is the face we wake up to every morning. Seriously, it doesn't get better than this.

I imagine it'll start happening more and more often as we get closer to January (that's only three months away, y'all!)

I can't always identify what brings it on, but last night it was a quick glimpse at my sister's Instagram feed. I ended up looking through every picture since January, and reading all the sweet comments on the photos she has posted of Mercy. By the time I got to that very first photo, I was in too deep. It was too late to get out and I headed over to Facebook to look through my photos from January and read all the incredibly supportive and amazing comments. There were  some tears shed and I just couldn't stop smiling thinking of all of you who loved us through that stage of our lives and continue to love us now.

By then it was 2am and I found myself reading this note I had posted on Facebook on January 12, six days before Mercy's surprise arrival... I was writing about trusting God with my girl as she grew in my belly, and giving some information on the liver disease I had been diagnosed with and what that meant for Mercy.

My favorite part is when I explained that we would not wait past 36 weeks to deliver Mercy, and then I said, "And being the impatient types, we're very excited to meet our sweet Mercy sooner than expected!"

Sooner than expected meant six days!

While I thought I was writing about six weeks from that point, God was writing an incredibly beautiful story that I couldn't have written better myself.

Those memories are so sweet and I wouldn't trade them for anything... but I can't help but wonder... if I had known beforehand what was about to happen, would I have typed that sentence out so convincingly and sincerely?

No. I don't think so...

...and maybe that's why we don't get to know. How many awesome lessons, moments, conversations, smiles, tears... how much we would miss out on if we knew what was going to happen, if we were able to try to avoid situations in our lives that might just be hard... in many cases we would experience worry, fear and anxiety increasing as certain moments approached. We would completely miss the opportunity to grow as God works out our lives according to His perfect plan.

I know I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't experience what we went through in the NICU and each surprising and perfectly ordained minute of the day that led to Mercy's arrival. I know I wouldn't have enjoyed those last six days of my pregnancy as well as I did if I had been worrying constantly about her coming so super early. I would have cried, trembled in fear, foolishly begged God not to bring her so soon... Never once realizing that I would actually have been begging Him to keep so many beautiful gifts from us.

Oh, His plans for His children. Not always easy. Yes, so hard to wait blindly, so hard to trust when we have not even a glimpse of what will be. Always worth it. Always.

To the Jewish exiles in Babylon:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

How beautiful this promise of comfort is to a group of hurting people. They would not understand what would come between the time this statement was declared to them through Jeremiah and the time they would be given hope, they would not be able to grasp the lessons, moments, tears they would experience before that hope would come... but they were told there was a plan, that was for sure... and that in itself is a truly amazing gift of HOPE.

It's the same gift of hope God offers His children today, He always knows His plan and His plan is always worth it.

...and going back to that passage, you know He's not only promising to bring the Israelites back to the promised land... He's promising them eternal hope. He's promising them Jesus.

His. Son.

His only son who would come to this earth, fully human and fully God, who would live a perfect life, die a death that would take away their sins, be raised from the dead, ascend into heaven where He sits today at the right hand of His Father pouring out an eternity of hope....

And that hope wasn't just for them either.

Friends, let's stop wishing we knew what the future will bring and let's enjoy the gifts leading up to tomorrow. Let's hold onto the hope of the sure plan that God has made and let's grasp tightly to the eternal hope of Jesus.

And on a different note...

My last blog post included a photo of Mercy and a caption contest! I received many 'entries' via Facebook, and one clearly stood out to me...

The first few days in the hospital one of the many things that captured our hearts about Mercy was that at least one arm was always raised! We often said it was as if she was praising God constantly, giving thanks for the work He was doing in her little life each and every minute.

So without further ado, Rebekah Rico (who, by the way, has a sweet Mercy of her own!) here's your special surprise from Mercy!! She designed it herself just for you! ...and you'll all be happy to know that since she started sitting up ALL THE TIME we've seen less and less preemie posturing going on... which is why her hands are just barely raised in this photo! :)

Preemie Posture

Remember this photo?

That is three pounds of pure preciousness right there! Look at those arms!!! I cannot believe they were ever that teensy and non-roll-y!! Craziness....

I had a little Facebook caption contest for that one, I think the winner was... actually a tie between these two:
"Part of your woooooooooooorld!"
     (I just love Ariel. So. so. much....)
"Seriously, the baby next to me was only this big. True story..."
     (That really is a true story! Sweet little Ruthie. She weighs the same as Mercy now!)

I remember the moment that photo was taken so well, Chris and I could not stop giggling at her spreading her arms like that, we just wanted to wrap them around our necks and embrace that little baby girl so hard!

Turns out, it wasn't just an adorable Mercy thing, it's actually a pretty normal preemie thing.

Our OT calls it the 'Preemie Posture,' and here's my limited understanding of it:

Apparently... because full term babies are all squished up in the fetal position for awhile, they come out curled up with the muscle tone to keep their hands near their faces. They have to learn to extend.

Preemies, on the other hand, are still all stretched out in the womb when they decide to make their grand entrance into the world, and haven't developed that flexor muscle tone just yet. They have to learn to bring their arms and legs in.

See, she still does it:



























We've been working with the OT to help her learn to bring those sweet arms in. Overall, she does a pretty good job, but even so, everyday we find ourselves tucking her arms back in over and over. Sometimes she just pops one arm out, and as soon as we tuck it in, the other one has popped out! That can sometimes go on for awhile. It's hard not to laugh, it's almost like she's playing a game with us and she's just so dang adorable!

But in all truthfulness, this is not a laughing matter. We're doing a lot of exercises with Mercy trying to get her ready to crawl, and this preemie posturing is clearly affecting this, she just holds her arms out so wide. It affects her ability to self soothe, to hold her bottle, learn to crawl and eventually even things like riding a bike. Don't get me wrong, she can definitely get her thumb in her mouth and reach up and grab her bottle, but within just a minute or two, the arms pop right back out. We're for sure seeing improvement, sometimes it's just a few seconds before she brings them back in on her own, but this is definitely something we'll be continuing to work on for a while.

And sometimes I wonder how different I am from Mercy... How different my own sin nature that came into this world with me is from her preemie posture that came into the world with her.

Every day as my faith develops more and more, my heavenly Father teaches me how to tuck my own arms in, how to trust Him, how to love others, how to love Him... Specific sins I struggle with are daily revealed to me as He reminds me to give them up to Him, to represent Him in all circumstances because I love Him, because of what He did for me...

Like Mercy has to daily work on bringing her arms in, as children of God we have to daily work on surrendering our actions, plans, our lives to Him.

So why is this worth working on? Just like her preemie posture will affect Mercy's development, this will affect our spiritual development in the long run. It will affect the depth of our relationship with our Savior, our contentment in all circumstances, it will affect our ability to feel joy in sadness, our effectiveness in sharing His love with others, our trust in His sovereign plans for our future... and what do we have if we don't have Him??

Friends, because of the grace upon grace we have received through Jesus, how can we not work daily to 'bring our arms in' and love Him well? How can we not receive instruction as He teaches us how to do this through His word, through fellowship in His house, and through the Godly people He has placed in our lives? It affects everything, and it is so worth it!

"Let the one who is taught the word share all good things with the one who teaches."
-Galatians 6:6

Oh, yes. It's so worth it!

So... On another note, what do you think about a new caption contest for the newest preemie posture photo above? Post your entries in the comments! Winner will receive a special surprise from Mercy in my next post!

Happy National Breastfeeding Month!

Apparently it's National Breastfeeding Month.

Gotta love a close up of a happy baby! 

I just read a blog post that actually made me want to cry a little... and yell a little.
A breastfeeding mama who listed the reasons she is jealous of mom's who couldn't make it work and are bottle feeding their little ones.

Part of me feels insulted and extremely offended by this mama's insensitive words to those of us who are struggling, trying with every bit of our emotion and energy to make this breastfeeding thing work. We see these mama's who do it with such ease and grace, and we grieve as we mix our baby's formula before judging eyes in restaurants and public places because we so badly want what they have, what we're told over and over again is best for our babies, what we're told will help us bond with them better and love them more... what we can't do. and they can.

And you're gonna make light of that and tell me you're jealous??

NO. Please don't, it's too painful. This is not a light subject piece for us. Don't make it one.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive and I know I don't speak for all of us... but I do know I would give up every benefit she listed to be able to do what she does...

So... to those of you who watch us pull out our bottles instead of nursing covers and shake your heads, please be kind. You don't know the intensely personal circumstances that led us to the decision to bottle feed our children, and you don't need to. You will never fully get the emotions that we've experienced, so please, cast your judgmental glances elsewhere and whatever you do, don't tell us your jealous of us.

I was reminded of this passage while reading the blog.

“Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her,
    all you who love her;
rejoice with her in joy,
    all you who mourn over her;
that you may nurse and be satisfied
    from her consoling breast;
that you may drink deeply with delight
    from her glorious abundance.”
--Isaiah 66:10-11

We read it in Bible Study several weeks ago and I was brought to tears and I have not been able to stop repeating it over and over.

My breastfeeding journey with Mercy has been hard and extremely emotional work. She was born ten weeks early and was fed pumped breast milk through a tube in her nose for the first several weeks of her life. As soon as we could we started trying to incorporate some breastfeeding, as my goal was to bring her home exclusively nursing. They would tube feed her while we worked with the lactation nurse in getting her to latch on and nurse.

We eventually had to start giving her bottles, I couldn't be at the NICU for every feeding and in order to come home she had to be eating with no feeding tube at all.

After seven weeks we brought her home at four pounds and one ounce. She was still too weak to get a full feeding from nursing, so we would work on nursing for twenty minutes, give her a full bottle, and then pump for twenty minutes. Every. Three. Hours.

With the exception of nighttime, this continued until she was five months old.

...and by that time, our sweet girl was consuming more than I was producing. I was finally able to stop pumping, but continued to have to give her bottles after each time we nursed. On top of that, we ran out of frozen milk, and we began incorporating formula. I grieved and grieved over this, it was not an easy transition for me to make.

These days, at seven months, I'm taking a prescription medication that has a side effect of increased milk production and we seem to be doing ok.... about half and half plus baby food and I think I'm ok with that. I'm proud of the five months of exclusive breastmilk that Mercy received, I know that many mom's don't get that.

I had decided early on that I would not try breastfeeding when we're out and about. The entire process is just too hard, and often involves a decent amount of screaming. I know I'll never get a sweet note on a receipt or have my pizza paid for by a kind waitress when she sees me giving Mercy a bottle, but I've gotten to a place where I'm ok with that. My child is well fed, she's healthy and growing and that makes me happy.

I've worked hard, it hasn't been easy, and I'm not ready to completely give up. I desire so deeply to be able to satisfy my daughter through nursing. I long so deeply for her to desire to be satisfied through me.

And I get it. Better than I've ever gotten it... how deeply our Heavenly Father longs for us to be satisfied in Him, how He longs for us to desire to be satisfied in Him.

...and we kick and we scream, and we try to take the easy way out and He says, "I'm here. Find yourselves in Me, be satisfied in My embrace. Drink deeply with delight from My glorious abundance!"

Read Hosea 11, it is filled with His grace, His desire for His children, Israel, to come back to Him, His promises to satisfy them in His love.

How can I give you up, O Ephraim?
    How can I hand you over, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
    How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart recoils within me;
    my compassion grows warm and tender.
I will not execute my burning anger;
    I will not again destroy Ephraim;
for I am God and not a man,
    the Holy One in your midst,
    and I will not come in wrath.
--Hosea 11:8&9

Where do you find your satisfaction? ...for me, I often seek satisfaction in my husband, Mercy, our youth ministry, photography, creativity, hmm... maybe even in having the ability to successfully breastfeed my daughter.

Friends, let's stop chasing the things of the world and let's seek satisfaction in Him. Let's desire Him and rest in His sweet embrace. He is ALL we need.

Our Seven Month Old Twelve Pounder

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake,

I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7b-10

Today is Mercy's SEVEN MONTH birthday!

Happy seven month birthday baby girl!

She's about 4 1/2 months adjusted and developmentally, but chronologically she is seven months old and we can't believe it!

We really loved our extended newborn stage with her, she was so sweet and really AWESOME, but it has been so much fun watching her grow and learn new things. Still sweet, still awesome, plus so much more! She is so close to sitting up with no support from us or from her own arms and we still think she'll be walking before she's crawling, she just loooves to be on her feet!

So last week I was talking to a mom at church who had her little guy while we were in the NICU... He was born about a month after Mercy. I found myself totally jealous of him! So silly, I know that Mercy is developmentally behind 2 1/2 months and that she will catch up after a year or so and I'm ok with that, but I looked at him sitting on the floor all by himself with no help and was totally jealous.

The thoughts flooded my mind, "Mercy's not doing that yet... Is she ok? Is she behind more than she should be? Am I doing enough to help her? What's wrong???"

Oh yeah... Calm down, she's fine, she's awesome, she's right where she should be.

I guess it was the first time I saw a baby younger than Mercy doing something she couldn't do yet and I forgot... Mercy should be a month or so younger than that little guy. Their lives in the womb included, she is a month or so younger. Everything is ok... but it didn't feel ok in that moment.

It honestly caught me off guard how off guard it caught me.

Then I had an entire week that caught me off guard in a completely different way as almost every day I was reminded of how grateful I am for Mercy's birth story and for her first couple months in the 'outside world.'

The mom I met at the Salad Station, she was the best. I watched her walk through the door with her three kids and couldn't wipe the smile off my face, they were too precious, so sweet. A little bit later I met her in line and she asked how old Mercy was. "She'll be seven months on Sunday." I saw the look that I have learned to LOVE and she said, "My oldest was 1lb 10oz. He's five years old now!" We talked briefly about the life changing experience of the NICU and she reminded me in such straight forward words that made me completely forget the jealousy I had experienced. Her simple words that have repeated in my head all week: "Isn't God's grace sufficient?"

Over the course of the week I was reminded through even more knowing eyes and understanding hearts of the moms I meet so often who look at Mercy and know... because they've been there with their own, they've cried similar tears and celebrated similar triumphs of SATS and X-rays, grams and ounces. They've experienced the sufficiency of God's grace in their times of greatest need, and they smile with me as we recount our stories of our sweet miracles... We smile, we laugh, we know... and I'm reminded...

I was reminded during our trip to Sam's just yesterday. Each person who asked how old she was, "She'll be seven months on Sunday." "Oh, she's so tiny!" God is so sovereign, isn't He? I love these opportunities, I love sharing her story, seeing the smiles she receives, the thank you's for getting to meet a sweet miracle, the "I love you's" she hears from complete strangers. It bring tears to my eyes seeing how her presence, her smile and her story are so moving to others who are just meeting her. We so enjoy these brief moments we're given to share the awesome testimony of God's all sufficient grace... and, again, I'm reminded...

The question continued to repeat in my head over the course of the week... "Isn't God's grace sufficient?"

Yes, mama at Salad Station. Yes it is.

So grateful for my sweet seven month old twelve pounder, just learning to sit up unsupported, playing catch-up with the other babies, revealing God's grace to her mama and daddy, and our families and communities in bigger ways than I can even comprehend.

Just love her so much!

Easy to love, watch this:

She loooves that bouncy seat, she loooves to kick her feet, and this is random, but she REALLY loves gymnastics! She belly laughs every time she sees someone do a cartwheel or stand on their hands! She's doing so much and we're having fun watching her, we love her so so much!

Thanks for keeping up with us! We love YOU so so much, too!

Vaccinations, check!

Let me just start by saying... I'm a terrible blogger. This has been written for almost two weeks, just waiting for the finishing touches! So for those of you who check this for updates on Mercy, I'm sorry I'm not as good as I was on CaringBridge!! :/ Trying to be better about it!!!

So, last week's appointment with our sweet pediatrician... Mercy's six month visit, wow! I still can't believe that!

...and you know what that means... Vaccinations! Three shots, and all three were totally harder for mama than baby girl!

But I think they were worth it... for me, anyway. I know they were worth it for her.

When Mercy was two weeks old one of the nurse practitioners came around saying it was time for some shots. What did we want to do...? Early in the pregnancy I had a couple of conversations with some friends who had chosen not to vaccinate, but Chris and I still thought we had two months to decide, so we hadn't really thought too hard about it. Suddenly we were faced with this decision... so... what did we want to do...?

So I had a discussion with the nurse and asked some questions, Chris and I prayed and talked and ultimately we decided to go for it...

Why did we go for it?

It's funny because soon after we made the decision, my good friend, Maralee, posted a series about vaccinations on her blog, here's a link to one:
http://www.amusingmaralee.com/2013/04/vaccination-guest-post-whats-in-our-vaccines-and-is-it-causing-autism/

The series answered so many questions and echoed much of why we made the decision we made.

This is what it boiled down to... It's simple and totally not scientific, but it's how we felt: basically, if there is even the smallest possibility that our child could develop some life threatening disease down the road, our line of thinking was this: Wouldn't we want to do anything within our power to prevent it?

Our decision was easy, it was YES. We can handle any issues that haven't been proven to rise up due to vaccinations, but, as we were quickly learning, we weren't so sure we could handle the life threatening stuff...

So we vaccinate... And it hurts my heart to hear her scream, but she gets over it within just about 30 seconds, and I deal...

Big girl sitting up for the very first time!!

Last week was different though... Last week, sweet girl developed a fever later that night... We're talking super low grade, and totally normal for evening after shots, but new to this mama.

Another thing new to this mama: waking up every hour during the night to console the screaming child! Oh, it was a hard night! Hard for my heart and hard for my rest...

Thank GOD for Children's Tylenol, we got to bed for good around 5:30am.

During those late night hours of questioning our decision to vaccinate while I was watching the baby girl feel so bad and so sad, I was reminded of a question Chris asks our students often:

"If there is a God, can you think of anything more important than getting to know who He is, who you are in Him, and how the two of you can be in relationship with each other?"

...we watch a series called the Gospel Journey with our students every now and then, and in it the speaker, Greg, has a conversation with an atheist named Andy. Andy is explaining his understanding of sin in relation to his world view... Greg stops him with the question, "What if you're wrong?"

Andy stumbles a little bit and then answers, "Well, if I'm wrong then I'm in deep crap!"

Those two moments ran through my head all night as I prayed for Mercy and for our non-believing friends and students.

The answer to Chris's question is no. If there is even the slightest possibility that there is a God, and there's a way for us to know Him and avoid eternal separation from Him, there's absolutely nothing more important, and it's not worth it to not search and know. If there is a God, the consequences are too heavy, too serious to just not worry about it right now...

Friends, if you find yourself in a place of doubt and questioning, make it your daily goal to figure it out. Find someone to talk to. Ask questions and don't be shy or feel like you'll be judged. This is important stuff. Who is God? Is He real? Who are you in relation to Him? Is it important to be in relationship with Him? And if not, what if you're wrong?

In the end it's a personal decision, just like vaccines. But, friends, don't make the decision without doing the research! It's just not worth it.

...Mercy was all better in the morning and as of this past Tuesday she weighs 11lb 13oz, she is chunking up! She is officially SITTING UP now and loving it (although not quite mastered it yet... she still falls over after about 5 seconds!) She watched her first Saints game tonight and seemed enamored! We are still struggling with the breastfeeding/bottle feeding and I'm trying to be ok with that... Seems a little easier (emotionally) the older she gets! She is CONSTANTLY smiling, giggling, so expressive all the time! Thank you for the prayers you are always sending our way. We love you all so very much!

"I thank my God every time I remember you;

in all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy!"

--Philippians 1:3-4

It's Official!!

...a couple of things actually.

As of last night, baby girl has GRADUATED from sleeping swaddled!

It was her decision... Chris and I watched her fight sleep from our little video monitor and saw her do something she's never done before. She flipped from her BACK to her BELLY! Swaddled! With no use of her arms at all!!!

So we looked at each other and both knew... It was time. We can't have our child rolling onto her face with no way of rolling back!

So we went in there for the "ceremonial final unswaddling." (Fancy, right?) We looked down at her laying there and she had this big grin on her face. She knew...

...and it seemed like an appropriate time, on the eve of her six month birthday! That's right, today was Mercy's SIX MONTH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!! What??? How did that happen so fast, seriously?? I honestly can't even comprehend that.

And as of TONIGHT, she is sleeping in her crib in her nursery like a big girl!!! I wasn't sure if was ready, I cried a little when I laid her down and walked out... I'm still not sure if I'm ready! But she's in there, and she's HALF. A. YEAR. old and I know she's ready.

Look at this face...

The face of my six month old sweet Mercy girl waking up on her half birthday!!

It is so incredibly hard to remember her being a teensy little bitty thing with tubes and wires, flailing around in an incubator...

But at the very same time, I can still hear so vividly the first sound I ever heard her make. I can see my husband's sweet eyes confidently looking into mine full of love and joy, not a trace of fear. I can feel the pressure on my rib cage, and then I can hear it, the sweetest little peep. We smiled in awe and amazement at each other and he looked over the curtain at her. They cleaned her up and brought her to me for just a quick few seconds, and I was enamored. She was tiny and perfect.

I remember that moment like it was yesterday.

Six months ago...

I had this post going a completely different direction, and then I watched this:

That was January 19, the first moments that I spent with her. The nurse wanted to surprise me by having her off the ventilator the first time I would get to be with her. That was the most special moment ever, ever. She would be back on the ventilator after just a few hours, they thought she could do it but she wasn't quite ready. But... spending time with her like this was... amazing. I remember these moments like they were yesterday as well....

But when Chris and I watched that video tonight... we were both brought to tears. I remember the moments so well, I remember believing she would be ok, and not fearing for her life. I remember holding her little hand, telling her I loved her and not worrying one bit that I may not have tomorrow with her.

And when I see her in that video, my mind races to all the feelings I feel like I should have felt, and to the One and Only reason I didn't.

As Chris and I were reading through Mark a couple of  weeks ago, this passage stuck out to me in a big way:

People were overwhelmed with amazement.

“He has done everything well,” they said.

“He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak.”

Mark 7:37

Right now, I am overwhelmed with what He has done in the last six months.

Overwhelmed with amazement that He gave us peace when all I see is reason for fear in that video. I can't comprehend how I felt such peace. He equipped me with it.
Overwhelmed with amazement that that baby girl is the same chunky monkey with rolls on her forearms sleeping in the room down the hall. He grew her and healed her.
Overwhelmed with amazement that that sweet little peep is now the sweetest screeching giggle you've ever heard. He strengthened her lungs and voice.

Overwhelmed with amazement that six months ago I had a baby that may not have lived and that today she celebrated her half birthday. He gave her life!

Yes! He has done everything well!

And He has proven Himself faithful to His promise:

"I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." (John 10:10b)

He has given all three of us such abundance of life. The last six months have awakened us to the fullness of life He offers us and we are so deeply in love with the Creator of the universe who loves sinners like us, even laid His life down so that we might experience this abundant life.

How can we not love to express how much we love Him? ...how much gratitude we have for the life He's given Mercy? ...for the mercy He's given us?

How blessed we've been. May we live the rest of our lives in gratitude to our Savior, praising His holy Name, sharing the love He has lavished upon us.

Thank you for being part of this journey. We sincerely love each of you who has prayed for and supported us in the hard times and in the fun times!

Familiarity

So our sleep study with Mercy... for those of who aren't on Facebook or haven't already heard, SHE PASSED and we are OFF the heart monitor!!!

I've been so excited to share this news, and I wanted to just share some about the experience... it was good... interesting... not so unique, I would say more... familiar.

From the minute I walked through the door and sat down outside of admitting, I had a hard time holding tears in as my mind took me back to January 18th, waiting to be seen for my non-stress test.

The chaplain who loved us so well in the NICU spotted us and came by to see Mercy. We talked for awhile, and I wondered if he noticed my wispy eyes as I remembered how he prayed for us and how the Lord used him.

When they came by to bring us upstairs to our room, they brought a wheelchair. I asked if I could walk and they told me to "Relax and enjoy the ride." So I sat down, and immediately was back in the same wheelchair I was in when they wheeled me to and from the ultrasound that was the determining factor in my emergency c-section. The tears were closer and closer to the surface as I remembered the fears and the unknowns. Chris met us at the elevator and we headed up. This time, when we got off on the third floor, we took a right instead of a left and headed for pediatrics.

We got in our room, a regular pediatrics room with a huge crib, a hospital bed and a couch and we visited with the nurses for a few minutes. It would be a little bit before the respiratory team would come up to get her all hooked up and ready, so the three of us took a walk to the New Family Center and visited with some of our NICU nurses. These people will never fully know how much they mean to me and how deeply I love them for how they loved and took care of my daughter for seven weeks. Being close to tears already, I handed Mercy to the very first nurse I met during our hospital stay. It was a JOY to hand her over, and as I remembered the many times I had to hand her back to the nurses, the only thing that held the tears in was the amazement of her growth and the enjoyment of visiting with these nurses who had become like family to us.

After a bit we headed back to our room and waited just a few minutes. I was sitting in the hospital bed holding our eleven pound(!!!) Mercy girl when respiratory came in. They got her all hooked up with instruments that would measure her respiratory rate, heart rate, movement, sats...

So familiar, every bit of it. My eyes were immediately drawn to the screen that showed her sats.... and my mind was immediately drawn back to the screen I stared at every day for seven weeks checking her sats, and the tears began to resurface...

I looked at the band around her foot, the same foot that held the same band four months ago, but it looked so different.

The band on her foot in the bottom left is the same size as the band from the NICU pictures!

When I put her to bed that night and got myself into bed, every bit of me wanted to burst into tears looking at my child hooked up to those monitors. It was as if I was back in room 319, with soccer balls for knees, a whole lot of questions and fears, and a baby down the hall hooked up to machines keeping her alive.

And yet... I didn't. Not one tear dropped from my eyes the entire time we were at the hospital.

Everything was so familiar, so many hard memories were brought to the surface and made fresh again...

Yes, familiar... but completely different.

My baby girl wasn't hooked up to any machines, just monitors! She was sleeping in the room with me! She's just about five times the size she was back then, breathing beautifully with sats at 100%!

The memories were hard, sure, but they are not bad memories.

Those are days, events and tears that we never want to forget, memories we never want to lose. Never have we seen God work in such miraculous and amazing ways in our lives... remembering His peace, feeling His love wrapped around us, those are some of my very best memories!

Never take the hard times for granted, friends. God is working through every trail, and He promises to work ALL things together for the good of His children! Including the really hard stuff... including ventilators, PDA's and soccer ball knees!

Yes... The tears did finally come...

Thursday night I laid her in her bed to sleep for the first time ever with no monitors attached to her body. Before I even let her go, I had to pick her right back up and hold her so tight... the tears flowed.

Tears of gratitude, so proud of how she's grown, so grateful for the gift that she is. The heart monitor was the last hurdle and she is over it! For a momma who struggles with TRUST, this is a big deal! God has shown Himself so faithful in our little family and we are more blessed than we can fully understand!

I'll leave y'all with some more photos we took during the sleep study. She could not have done better! She seemed aggravated with the strip under her nose for a couple of minutes, but got used to it so fast. She slept peacefully for nine hours and gave a perfect reading for the doctor and nurses who told us, "She was the perfect patient!"

Thank you, friends! For all of the prayers that have brought us to this place. The peace of God has truly held us together in the hardest of times, and sharing our joys and victories with you has been so good for us!

Development, Part 2

The Occupational Therapist came today, and we were excited to see her! We have been working so hard on our homework and just had so much to show her!

Now that Mercy's adjusted age is 3 1/2 months, we've moved on to our 3-4 month list of development milestones:

• Begin head control in supine sit/stand
• no more bobble head baby!!!
• Reaches toward dangling object
• swatting, not grabbing yet!
• Looks at hands
• and her feet! ...stares and studies them!
• "Fly Baby" position prone
• so funny... arms and legs high in the air while she's on her belly!
• Holds feet in air supine
• like she's anticipating her diaper changes!
• Beginning to comfort self
• with her entire fist in her mouth!
• Clears chest with forearm propping head up
• getting sooo strong!
• Tracks horizontal/vertical
• she watches us walk across the room when we put her down and walk away!
• Shows anticipation for interaction
• big smiles when daddy walks in the door!
• Brings object to mouth to explore
• not really grabbing things and bringing them anywhere yet, but again, entire fist in mouth!
• Vocalizing more
• she's talking to her daddy right now!
• Rolls prone to supine

...and that's what I want to write about tonight!

Mercy rolled over twice in the NICU. We weren't there for either, but we told the nurses to pleeease record it if it happened again... It didn't but they explained it like this: she would get leverage from the rolled up blanket next to her leg and push with everything in her until she flipped over. So we just naturally assumed that this would be a task we would bring her home with, and that she would just start rolling over all the time pretty much immediately. Soon after she came home, I saw her do it once, and since then, she hasn't been crazy about being on her tummy at all. In fact, when we put her on her belly, she would typically whine and whine until she was all out screaming and we would give in and help her roll over. There were two times recently that I let her whine while I did dishes, and I looked over at her when she stopped and she was on her back! Big girl! I had to leap over to her and smother her with kisses, so proud of her for that! Then... next tummy time it was back to the crying...

...until yesterday!

I went in her room with her and laid her on her belly. I laid right in front of her as she picked herself up with her arms. I could see how hard she was trying... She was picking her back legs up and trying to push them over to the side, and she was leaning so hard... then, it happened!

She just tumbled right over!

I flipped her, and she rolled right back over... and over and over and over every time I flipped her back! She never once even whimpered and she must have rolled over six or seven times!

Just in time for the OT to come today!

I have been begging that little girl to roll over like that for weeks now... but she tackled it right on time! And our OT was sooo impressed watching her roll today!

Impeccable timing, little one...

Do you ever want something to happen or change soooo so so bad, and you pray about it and pray about it and meddle a little, and then a lot, and pray some more but start to wonder if God doesn't really... care? Or maybe He just doesn't want you to be... happy? ...to get what you want? ...to be successful at what you're working towards?

I think back often to my appointment on January 18th... the routine monitoring that led to the emergency c-section that brought our daughter into the world 2 1/2 months early.

We waited and prayed for a long time for Mercy... about three years. There were times that I thought pregnancy wasn't part of God's plan for our family... It was ok, we talked about adoption and got certified as foster parents... We did a lot of respite care with the group homes but the door seemed to close on every child we prayed about bringing into our home... There were pregnancy tests, doctor's visits, phone calls to the social workers, tears and overall a lot of sadness... There were times I thought, with a lot of anger and pain, that parenting may not be a part of God's plan for our family...

...and then there was God. And His timing.

And His timing is impeccable.

You can read this (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mercyellzey/journal/3/0/asc) if you're interested in the whole story... but the best part is that Mercy wouldn't be here today if liver disease hadn't taken me to the hospital for routine monitoring on January 18th.

As we approach Mercy's SIX MONTH birthday next week, I am finding myself unbelievably grateful to this God who doesn't owe me anything but a trip to hell, and yet He has given me grace and love beyond understanding in the precious life He allowed me to carry for 6 1/2 months and allows me to love and take care of today. In this world's timing, we should have lost her. In His timing, He led us through a uniquely perfect path that brought her into the world, brought her into our home two months later, and tomorrow, brings her back to the hospital one last time to run some tests to remove the heart monitor for good. Truly amazing.

How can we not be in awe of Him? How can we not trust in His perfect timing?

Whatever it is you're waiting for, friends, place your trust wholly in Him. His plan may look different than yours, but it's good, so much better than you could ever imagine... and every little detail of it will come together in His perfect time.

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the Lord.

Psalm 27:13-14

We certainly never imagined liver disease, ventilators or preemie clothes in our plan for our family, but I can tell you this for sure: we have seen the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living and we would not go back and change one second of Mercy's story.

But... to be honest, I've often wondered if I would feel this same way if things had turned out differently. I find myself absolutely in awe of the faith of those who have been down or are going down a harder path than Chris and I briefly traveled...

Please pray for the Davis's. Chris worked with Marshall at Eagle Ranch years ago. He and his wife are traveling a hard path, and trusting God in ways I can't even dig deep enough into my heart to understand... but my faith is strengthened because of it. Read this, pray, grow, and pray some more: http://www.marshallandmary.com/

Thank you, friends. Love you all so very much!

Way to persevere, baby girl!

I tell people all the time that parenting and motherhood have been so much easier than Chris or I expected it to be. We have been blessed with a super laid back baby girl who just wants to be loved on, smile and squeal. She likes to sleep through the night, take good naps in the day, put rolls on her belly, and meet her milestones on time or ahead of time. Pretty awesome stuff, we sure are loving every minute of it!

That being said, transitions are always a little weird around here... specifically when they involve feeding this child.

Transitioning from tube feedings to nursing... incorporating bottles, trying to unincorporate bottles, pumping... pumping... pumping... trying to stop pumping, attempting exclusive nursing... starting pumping again, starting to incorporate full formula bottles, and finally, rice cereal... FROM A SPOON. I can't get over that... we have a 5 1/2 month old on our hands here, how did that happen so fast??

Anyways, all of this has definitely revealed something to me... Mercy and I have this in common: we like to take the easy way out.

It has been extremely hard for me to continue the nursing battle, but we're doing ok and as hard as it's been, I'm super glad that I've persevered. All that 'gladness' aside, every single day I've highly considered taking the easy way out and just going full formula.

And I don't think it's been too much easier on Mercy's end either. She knows her bottles and she stares them down while she's nursing! There were times she would just scream and scream, refusing to nurse until I would give her some milk from the bottle, then we would try again... Thank God, that's not where we are today, but definitely part of the journey!

So when we started the rice cereal we didn't know what to expect.... and it has been such a familiar experience. I had to start hiding her bottle  because she would scream and just look at it, as if she were begging, "Mommy, pllleeeease!!!! This is tooo hard, I'm hungry and this is soooo sloooow!" I gave in a couple times, I cried a few times, I made Chris take over several times... Oh, we were not enjoying this transition!

Watch this:

That's how we have our rice cereal these days! So sweet, right???

Just took a little perseverance on baby girl's part, and we're good to go now! It is part of the morning and evening that I think we both look forward to now. I just can't get enough of those squeals!

Momma was trying to give up... Mercy kept going, through the tears and the frustration and the awfulness of WAITING and not understanding what that new weird consistency stuff was... she kept going.

...and now she is all smiles, loving every bit of it, even acting like she wants more when we're done! So proud of that sweet girl!

Watching her own this really got me thinking about my tendency to take the easy way on A LOT of the things I do every day... as a housewife, as a mom, as a daughter of the King. I have a super lazy streak, and that really contributes to just doing what's quicker and easier instead of what's better and might take a little more effort... not something I'm proud of, but something that's true.

Here's another little nugget of truth for you:
We're not promised ease. In fact, we're promised quite the opposite:

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33b)

That's Jesus talking there... He also said this:

“The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised.” (Luke 9:22)

Talk about not taking the easy way out, right?? And this is what He asks of us:

“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself? (Luke 9:23-25)

Nope... not promised ease at all... and believe me, that's not an 'easy' message for a lazy girl!

But one thing I know for sure is this: It. Is. Worth. It!

It's worth the extra effort, the frustration, pain, persecution, hardships... it's worth every bit of it!

Wanna know why?

"...in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:37-39)

So why should we care about being loved by God? Because this is what He promises us:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

...and how can we not put in the effort it takes to live in amazement and gratitude for that!

Eventually Mercy's going to move on the next thing, and we'll learn and grow together again... I will continue to look back at these times, that sweet video, and remember those squeals... How worth it it was for her to persevere and put the extra work into eating from that spoon, how squealingly happy it made her... and hopefully I will learn again and again from her perseverance as I seek to put real effort into being a Godly wife and momma.

Where are some areas of your life that you tend to take the easy way out?

For me, it's keeping my house clean, folding the laundry (I really just want to throw it all in the drawers, but ironing... that's really a lot of work!), cooking good meals (instead of frozen pizza several times a week!), relationships, confrontation, really getting into God's word... Sometimes my desire for ease leads to sin, to unbelief, to growing backwards... and that's something I need to work on.

Let's work on it together... Let's do this:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Hebrews 12:1-3

It's gonna take some effort to break the habit of taking the easy way out... it's time to stop being lazy, friends, and start really living for the One who gave His very life so that you and I might have an eternity of rest and ease within His presence. Pretty awesome. Pretty worth it!

Milestone Week!

This was a week of milestones!

For starters, Tuesday was Mercy's FIVE MONTH birthday!!! Can you believe that? The time has truly flown, and this baby girl is GROWING. UP.

We also had an OT visit Tuesday, where Mercy showed us how she can swat at things! Not grabbing yet, but swatting is new and almost there! Proud of that girl!

On Thursday we had a doctor's visit, and Mercy is 9lb 9.5oz! Look at these rolls:

While at the doctor we got two big announcements:

First, it's time to STOP. GIVING. HER. CAFFEINE! Our sleep study will be July 10th and she has to be completely off caffeine for at least two weeks beforehand. This is a really big deal, because if she passes her sleep study, we get to turn in the heart monitor and be completely wire-free permanently! We've been trying to wean ourselves off of the monitor over the last week or so, leaving it off of her when she's awake and we're right by her. It's going to definitely take some getting used to, especially overnight, but we are so so SOOO looking forward to being 'unattached'! Yay!

And second, since Mercy is five months old, we get to start giving her rice cereal!! ...with a SPOON! It's seriously adorable and... interestingly difficult at the same time. I always enjoy seeing her learn new skills, and this has been no exception! Look how precious:

So, we're heading to the beach tomorrow... I had Mercy barricaded on the bed while I folded laundry and packed for the trip. She has this new toy that sings, giggles and lights up when it's touched or moved. She is fascinated by the lights and the mirror, so every time it stopped, I leaned over and touched it for her.

I stepped out of the room briefly and heard the toy start singing! She made it turn on on her own!!! Oh my! I rushed in and she was just smiling in the mirror... and every time the noise stopped, she slung her hand against it to start it up again! She was really getting it! Of course, I couldn't let this happen without  snapping a photo:

I cannot get enough of this kid! I pretty much didn't accomplish anything after that, I just couldn't stop watching her play and learn! Awesome!

Mercy and this fun toy... totally opposite responses to their wants...

Mercy wants to be entertained, and she knows how to get a response. She just has to reach out for it.

The toy, it wants to be reached out to, but it won't do anything until it's touched...

Are you more like Mercy or her toy?

Sometimes we want God to act in our lives so badly, but we don't do anything. We just wait here, hoping He does something because He's God and because we say that we love Him.

Other times, when we need closeness to Him and peace from Him, we talk to Him, we show that we love Him, we reach out to touch Him and enjoy Him. And He acts in our lives! He reveals His peace in ways we will never comprehend. He reveals His glorious beauty and brings us joy even in times of trials.

Often, I find myself waiting. I know that God knows the desires of my heart, and I do love Him, right? ...so I'll just do my own thing, go about my business, and surely He'll eventually act...

I'm just not convinced that's how He asks us to love Him...

Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in him, and he will act.

Psalm 37:3-5

Delight in Him, reach out to Him and enjoy Him. He knows that the greatest need and desire of our hearts is peace in His will, and He has an abundance of that to give out. I know it won't be so difficult to receive when we've devoted ourselves to delighting in HIM alone.

When Mercy has the desire to see those lights blinking and hear that silly music, she has learned just what she needs to do. She reaches out, and delights in what she sees! It draws her back in over and over!

Our God draws us into His heart. He will continually do this as we trust in Him, delight in Him, commit our ways to Him! 

Let's stop saying that we love Him and waiting for Him to act... Instead let's show Him how much we love Him and delight in how He will act and already has acted in our lives! It's good, life changing stuff!

Friends, your prayers for life off of caffeine are much appreciated. It's been three days, still no alarms and we truly believe she has outgrown the apnea and bradycardia. We think we're ready, we feel completely sure she's ready. We'll see, July 10th is a big day!

Thank you, we love you all! ...so so so very much!