Waiting is Overrated

90% of the time when friends look at Mercy's precious face they mention that she is her daddy's twin. While I for sure know she got her endless eyelashes and the precious dimples that kiss her cheeks from her daddy, Chris and I usually look at her and don't really see either of us in that blue eyed blondie... What we do see is an outgoing, talkative little extrovert growing up before our eyes.

...and if you know us, you know how very little of that she got from us.

But! I just realized something!

If Mercy had waited it out and come on her due date, today would be her birthday. As I've thought about that over the past few days, I've realized that she and I have something in common after all...

It's our feelings about waiting:

It's. Over. Rated.

Ten weeks before her anticipated birthday, this one decided waiting was overrated:

See...? She was ready for mommy and daddy hugs, and she wasn't all about waiting for them.

...and she didn't have to, because waiting is overrated.

So Chris and I have been talking about growing our family... and seeing that waiting is so overrated, I've been bringing kids home in my head for months now.

What does that mean, you ask?

Let me explain... Cholestasis of Pregnancy has a 70% recurrence rate and for me, preeclampsia has about a 40% chance of recurring. I've written before about the "pre-guilt" I feel about pregnancy and the possible births of future children so bringing kids home may not look for us like you might think.

We had a meeting last week with a social worker to talk about bringing home foster kids and possible adoption. That's our desire and that's where we believe the Lord is guiding our hearts and our family.

And get this... it looks like He's not only guiding us there, but He's guiding us there not on my timeline (how dare He!), and He's asking us to WAIT.

Come on, God?! Don't you know that waiting is overrated??

GOSH! 

So, Lord willing, it looks like we'll be foster certified somewhere around the beginning of fall... and after that, well, it's just a waiting game for a phone call for a child that falls within the boundaries we have set.

And well... that just sounds like a lot of waiting to me.

Have I not learned to trust my mighty God's perfect timing yet?? After this amazing year and after He has proved Himself and His timing over and over, I still want to make it happen my way and in my time... Crazy.

However, even with my ridiculous control issues and lack of trust, I just know there has to be some purpose in the waiting. 

Thinking about all of this in the days leading up to this first anniversary of Mercy's due date, I remembered this one most important detail:

Despite Mercy's best efforts, we did have to wait. 

After waiting several years to make a pregnancy announcement, Mercy finally came and we had to wait some more... and what a blessing those seven long weeks of waiting to bring her home from the NICU turned out to be as we were able to use that time period as an opportunity to pray for her, to grow and to prepare our hearts and our home for her arrival.

As I have pondered those seven weeks of waiting I've realized something completely new and foreign to me...

Waiting is so not overrated!

Waiting, while hard and often painful, is a gift... a gift of time, growth, and prayer, a gift of heart preparation... a gift this mama needs, whether she likes to admit it or not!

So... wait we will... and we will turn this waiting period into an opportunity to pray for the child that may be being born right this minute, or may be being neglected and so desperately in need of prayer. We will wait and we will pray earnestly for our possible future children, foster or adopted, who are so in need of prayer from a mama and daddy who don't yet know them but love them so dearly.

Pray with us?

Dear NICU Family

One year ago today we said "goodbye" to one big room that I was terrified of at one time.

More than a room, really. It was a room that was filled with YOU! ...the nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, lactation staff, monitors, stickers, nasal cannulas, ventilators, incubators, pumps, feeding tubes, bili lights, scales and so much more.

Over the course of seven weeks, my fear of you transformed into admiration and love. YOU became family to me. You loved Mercy like she was your own, you provided for her needs, you kept her alive when she was at her weakest.

When I couldn't be there to be her mama, YOU were there.

ALL of you... at different times.

Monitors, you told us how well Mercy was breathing and when she needed extra support you (loudly) made sure we were aware and got her taken care of.

Ventilator, you opened her lungs and let her breathe for a most important week.

Incubator, you warmed her tiny body so that she could gain grams and then ounces.

Feeding tube, you nourished that little bitty girl when I could not.

Nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, lactation staff, your love for my precious, fragile daughter will never be forgotten. You snuggled her, talked to her, bathed her, fed her, loved her and I know that you prayed for her. You were there ALL day when I could only be there a few hours a day.

NICU life was not easy, there were ups and downs, highs and lows, lots of grieving followed by lots of celebrating... all leading up to one incredibly important day.

March 7, 2013.

Our "Homecoming Day."

The most joyous occasion, oh how I cried when I said goodbye to you. I'm terrible at goodbyes, and we had become so close over the seven weeks we spent together... but it was time and we were ready.

You worked so hard to prepare that four pound girl for HOME, and she was more than ready.

It's hard to explain what it felt like, everything, all the trials and fears and victories all leading up to this one moment... walking out of the hospital doors for the first time with a baby. Going HOME.

Amazing. Going back to that remarkable moment brings tears to my eyes.

You did something beautiful for this family that is irreplaceable. You represented to us every dynamic of our walk with Jesus. The ups and the downs, the grieving and celebrating, all of the learning and growing, grams and then ounces... all leading up to one very important moment.

The moment we go HOME.

Our very own "Homecoming Day!"

You reminded me of the joy to be had in looking forward to our beautiful reunion with our Father in the home He has waiting for us.

I'll never forget the sadness I felt when we said goodbye to you or the impact you had on Mercy's life while she was with you, even better is the joy I have experienced with this sweet girl for the year she has been home with us.

Thank you for loving her, loving us, growing us. You will never be forgotten in this house!

Happy Homecoming Day!

**this is the last post of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**

Dear Doctor So and So

I trusted you...

I trusted you to medically nurture my pregnancy, to keep me as informed as possible of what complications may arise and what they would mean, to value the life of the little person growing inside of me, to give me reasons to feel peace about the outcome of my pregnancy, to hear me, to take time to talk to me, to acknowledge my fear and my pain, offer solutions, comfort, expertise...

...you let me down.

You caused MANY tears, I said MANY ugly and mean things, I felt hatred in my heart towards the way you talked about my daughter her first few minutes in the world, I yelled and fought and CRIED at the thought of returning to you, I experienced tremendous anxiety when I knew you were on call at the hospital, increased heart rate, cold sweat, all of that...

But...

Despite YOU and ME and ALL of the circumstances, you very successfully brought my child into the world... and you taught me an important lesson about forgiveness while you did it.

Remembering the anger I felt toward you brings back emotions I experienced that are not pleasant or nice, and often makes me wonder what my Creator and Savior feels when I hurt Him and rebel against Him on a daily basis...

One more time... my Creator and my Savior.

...and I rebel against Him daily.

The Giver of my life and my child's life who rescued me, offering me eternal life because He loves me... that's the one I choose to sin against daily.

I believe He has every reason to feel infinitely more towards me what I have felt towards you.

It's taken more than a year to process the lesson you taught me and I still feel immense pain at times...

...but one year and a precious, healthy baby girl later I know that I've forgiven you.

Doctor, I forgive you because without you, that sweet girl may not be here today.

I forgive you...

...because Christ forgave me.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved,

compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other;

as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

Colossians 3:12-14

**this post is part of a seven week series of 'letters' to people, events and things that were part of the life transforming work God did in our lives during Mercy's stay in the NICU - for more on our growth in the NICU, check out our CaringBridge page**