Meet Luke

But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”

Luke 18:16-17

Many of you walked the journey of loss with me nine years ago as we traveled to Indiana to bury a child I loved like a daughter in a cemetery surrounded by apple trees. (read: http://hiseverydaymercies.blogspot.com/2004_11_01_archive.html & http://hiseverydaymercies.blogspot.com/2011/01/fuzzy-wuzzy-cindy-was-great-caterpillar.html)

That was a hard time for me. Loss is hard... Even when you know your loved one is worshipping her Creator as they eagerly await your arrival into the Kingdom of God. What a joyous day that will be!

But let's face it... in the meantime, loss sucks. It just does. And there's not really anything we can do about it.

Meet Luke Malone:

Luke came into the world via Scott and Melissa Malone on October 4, 2012 at 24 weeks gestation and weighing 1lb 10oz.

He spent 38 sweet days with his momma and daddy and now, Luke worships his Creator as he awaits a joyful reunion with his parents when they join him in the Kingdom of God.

38 days...

38 days that changed the lives of his parents and those who followed his journey: (http://preemiemum12.blogspot.com/)

38 days that would eventually effect me in ways I never would have expected...

Melissa is a close friend of my sister's. Corrie began sending me text messages about little Luke soon after he was born. I had no inkling of a notion of what life in the NICU or parenting a sick preemie meant at that time. I was 3 1/2 months into my easier than ever pregnancy and emergency c-sections were the farthest thought from my mind, but I prayed for Melissa and little Luke and went about planning little Mercy's mermaid nursery...

Luke fought so hard, but this was not his home.  The Lord took him to his forever home on November 11th.

Since then, Melissa has had the task of figuring out how to grieve the loss of her son...

On January 18th, when Chris and I received the surprise of our lives and Mercy was brought into this world ten weeks early, I was scared. I wasn't comforted by my doctor who told Chris, "It might not make it through the night." (That's right, my brand new baby girl was diminished to the status of "it.") I wasn't comforted by my hospital bed, where I laid sick for 30 hours before getting to visit my sick daughter. I wasn't comforted by ventilators or PDA's or the then strangers taking care of us both who didn't seem to have any answers in those first hours and days. I was scared. I've never been that scared.

That second day I received a gift from three people I had never met. Flowers. And on the card were three names: Melissa, Scott and Mollie.

Melissa. A momma who had been in this same hospital bed... who knew the fear I was experiencing... who cried the tears I cried... and who was dealing with loss in the most gracious and compassionate way, by stepping into shoes she had been in and sharing her love and prayers with a stranger who needed them.

I was comforted...

Last weekend Mercy and I got to meet Melissa.

What a blessing she is!

...and what a blessing she gave us. She and Mollie (the third name on the card and another one of Corrie's friend's who loved us through our NICU journey) walked in with a gift bag and in it was an Ariel shirt (love! thank you Mollie!) and a little box. I pulled a tiny hat out of the box and Melissa told me that it had been Luke's.

Oh, I cried... what a sweet gift from somebody who could be jealous and bitter towards situations that turned out differently, but instead is compassionate, loving, generous, brave and amazing.

Here's a photo of Melissa and Mercy in Luke's precious hat.

I admire this woman for so many reasons. At the top of the list is how she has so beautifully dealt with her loss. She is living Luke's legacy through reaching out and loving those of us who don't know how to take the next scary step forward in our own situations. Thank you, Melissa, for showing me how to live beautifully in the midst of grief and sadness. I believe I will grieve differently, more graciously, in the future.

You know, sometimes I'm jealous of mom's who got to experience their third trimester, even though I've been told it's the hardest... then I think about brave momma's like Melissa who should be jealous of mom's like me who got to bring our babies home with us, but aren't... and I realize how much I have left to learn.

Thank you, my God, for placing people in my life to teach me hard lessons. Thank you for baby Luke, who runs and plays and worships You today. Bring that sweet momma and daddy peace as they continue to figure out life without their precious baby boy...

Friends, please pray with us for the Malones. They have suffered the greatest loss of all... and loss is SO so hard.

A Hard Conversation...

I have a history of building relationships with inanimate objects.

Bizarre, yes...

But at the same time, isn't it nice when you can just say whatever you want to something for however long you want without worrying what it might think of you or say back to you? I had a pretend 'imaginary friend' in (gasp!) middle school (in Georgia, middle school is 6th-8th grade, so that means TOO OLD for an imaginary friend!) who's name was George. He had blonde hair and a blue sideways baseball cap (I drew him on almost everything... oh, and I also made him into a clay pot in high school [the handles were his ears!]) I know I'm making myself seem weirder and weirder here, but it was really very hard for me to talk to actual people in my incredibly awkward and shy younger years. So I talked to things...

...and I can honestly tell you that I still do sometimes, although not to George and not usually in seriousness anymore, so that's a step in the right direction! But I'll tell you something I'd like to have serious conversation with... and I'll tell you what I'd say:

"Hi there!

It's been about three hours since we last spent time together, and I'll be honest, I was hoping I'd never see you again...

You and I, we've had somewhat of a tumultuous relationship over the last 4 months... But there's one thing I want you to know: I value you. You are the sole reason my child has received the very best nutrition every day of her life, and that is irreplaceable.

No matter how much I look forward to the day I can bid you a happy 'farewell,' know this: you have made my daughter's life healthier and I appreciate you. I absolutely dread the six to eight times a day that I have to spend with you, but I cherish what comes out of the time we spend together. It's been painful, agonizing, miserable... and yet, at the same time it's been fruitful, productive and helpful. I know you hear me whine and complain about you between our times together, and I know you hear me talk about how badly I don't want to see you again. I want you to know that I mean every word, but that I'm sorry for feeling that way.

You truly mean more to me than I can express, in ways that I wouldn't even know how to express... I look at you with contempt and gratitude at the same time and although I daily consider and sometimes try to talk myself out of being in this conflicting relationship with you, you need to know that I will not give up, I will see this relationship through until it is either no longer possible or no longer necessary to continue.

I promise I will try to see you differently, to appreciate you better, and to stop wishing bad things upon you, I really do value you.

I know you are a gift from God, given to me as a means to best nourish my daughter as she gains the strength she needs to do the work herself. We could not do this without you, thank you for being part of our lives. I promise to try to thank my God, who provided me with you, so that you could help me provide Mercy with milk.

Please forgive me for selfishly wishing you out of my life. I know I will continue to take you for granted and utter hateful words against you, I know I will continue to dread our time together. Forgive me as I seek to learn the art of gratitude and of perseverance... I know that God has this race marked out for you and I, and I know there is much to learn along the way. I promise to run...

Oh, one last thought: If you were animate and had a neck, I would hug it in gratitude right now... I would also consider squeezing too tight in utter hatred before letting go.... ugh, ok, let me start over.............."

I'm talking to my Medela Freestyle Breast Pump... and that was truly therapeutic for me! Perhaps I should seriously start talking more often to inanimate objects in my life again... (joking!)

But in all seriousness, my relationship with my pump has been every bit of what I described in my conversation with it... I so look forward to the day when I can put it away, and take care of Mercy without it's help. Sometimes that day seems too far out of reach and I wonder if it will ever arrive... Often I consider giving up, or feel like I'm wasting my time if this whole exclusive nursing thing isn't going to work out anyways... maybe it's not worth it...

What I believe the Lord is teaching me through this tumultuous relationship is this: The work He's asked us to do as His children isn't always easy or fun, and the immediate payoff isn't always what we hope for, sometimes it takes many years to see fruit, and sometimes we may not see the fruit at all... I've found myself wondering often, is this goal too lofty, too out of reach? Am I wasting my time when I'm not seeing the lives of those I've ministered to changing? Is it worth the pain I've felt when I've failed and fallen time and time again? Sometimes we may want to have a similar "pump" conversation with the journey we're on with Christ, I know I have felt many of those things in my own walk!

But one thing you need to know about the journey you're on: it is worth it, it is the absolute best possible way we could spend our time, and God is always good. The very fact that we are on this journey with Him is a testament to His mercy on our lives and He has a beautiful purpose for YOU. Value His guidance as He leads you through rough waters, appreciate Him for giving you the grace you need for the journey, do. not. give. up. It's going to be worth it! 

He has given each of us a race to run, let's choose today to run it with renewed perseverance!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..."

Hebrews 12:1-3

I know y'all come here to hear about Mercy, not my ramblings to inanimate objects! She is an absolute blessing! We are getting out and about much more these days, and having play dates with old NICU neighbors and church friends. It's been so nice getting out of the house and seeing the faces of friends we love and have missed! She is growing so fast. She's all smiles all the time, she LOVES her daddy, and most people say she looks just like him! Her heart monitor has not gone off in over four weeks! That is a very huge deal, every new day without an alarm is another win! It looks like we could be unattached and cord-free sooner than we expected to be! We just can't believe we're getting so close to 4 months old, the time since we came home on March 7th has literally flown, and it has been incredible! The opportunity to come out of isolation has been a welcome change, being with our church the past two Sundays was truly awesome, seeing little RuthAnne, Mercy's first NICU neighbor, was absolutely amazing, we had "play dates" everyday last week and it has been FUN introducing her to so many new friends and 'family!' Hopefully we will get to introduce her to YOU very soon!

We love you all so very much, thank you for your continued prayers!

Guilt

I struggle with guilt a lot...

Yes, even now, with Mercy home, growing fast, and healthy as ever... I still find myself questioning what I did to cause her early arrival. I ask Chris on about a weekly basis, "Do you think (blank) caused my amniotic fluid to drain or (blank) caused (blank) and that made my blood pressure rise?" "Do you think if I had noticed (blank) sooner we could have kept her in longer?" "Do you think...........?" In fact (get ready) I sometimes feel pre-guilt over the births of our possible future children, in the off chance they come early too, maybe even earlier and in worse condition than Mercy was, and we could have prevented it by not having more... afterall, we know that there's a good possibility of recurrence of both cholestasis and preeclampsia in future pregnancies.

Guilt... it's a funny, sneaky little sin, isn't it? Oh, how the enemy has been using this one in my life recently... I've been going through a lot of our CaringBridge posts, trying to compile them into a book for Mercy to read one day... I find myself CRYING, reliving all of those emotions, and not getting it, but just knowing, KNOWING, that it was my fault, and if I had just avoided whatever it was I should have avoided, we would have a one month old right now who never had tubes down her throat, is a nursing champion, gaining weight without supplements, and we wouldn't be lugging this heart monitor around worrying that she might stop breathing...

Silly, right? I know, I know. It is! But... in the same moments that I start getting a little wispy and frustrated with my body's inability to carry my child to term, I look down at that sweet face and my heart fills with gratitude that I've gotten to look at those beautiful eyes and kiss those sweet cheeks for three and a half months. I just know, KNOW, that her birth story was on purpose and it wasn't my fault... then I really start getting wispy! Oh, the grace of our God to give us this precious gift so soon!

What it really boils down to I think, the real issue behind the guilt that creeps daily into my life and emotions, is lack of trust. I know what you're thinking, "How can you still not trust Him??" I've written many many times over the last three months about my attempts to overcome my trust issue, and the thing is... it just continues, it seems to be the main contributor to most of the struggles I deal with on a daily basis, so I guess I'll keep writing about it... it's a pretty big deal.

You know, it's kind of a funny thing though... why would I lack trust in God over something from three months ago that has turned out to be an incredible blessing? Over a story that I never could have written more beautifully or perfectly? How is it so easy to forget the work He's done? Do I really wish my body had done it's job right, and Mercy had come around the end of March???

I've been reading a lot of preemie blogs lately and I think guilt is a pretty universal emotion among us... If I could really get one message to sink in to myself and to other preemie moms, it's this: Our bodies did do their jobs right. They did just the job they were given to do before the creation of the world when God wrote our baby's stories and it's not our fault. Instead, it's HIS good and very perfect plan for our families. Yes, it's hard, it's scary and sad, it's emotional and sometimes just downright awful... but God is good, and in the fear and awfulness of it all, let's remember that it's beautiful, it's perfectly planned, and whatever happens, God is still good, still trustworthy.

That's how to live guilt free as the momma of a preemie... Stop questioning my body, blaming myself, being sad about the past. Start being confident in His plan, being grateful that my body carried her well for 6 1/2 months, rejoicing for our smooth time in the NICU, the relationships we built there, and remember how His good and perfect story for her first few months has touched our lives, and the lives of each person who has loved and prayed for our Mercy. Remember that He has an incredible purpose for her birth story and He's gonna use it in awesome ways... He already has!

And that's not just how to live guilt free as a preemie momma... that's how to live guilt free when you're walking in the will and grace of God your Father through whatever journey you're on!

"This God—his way is perfect;

the word of the LORD proves true;

He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him."

Psalm 18:30

Let's decide to trust Him today... with our past, with our health, our family, our future. He is, afterall, the One who set them all in motion!