You're going to cry

Considering foster care, but worried about the risk it may pose to your heart and your family if you move forward?

Perfect. I'm glad you're here!

And since you're here, let's go ahead and get one thing straight...




You're going to cry.

Let yourself.

Because there is nothing joyful about families being torn apart.

Broken homes and broken bodies are not a laughing matter.

Because you might be the fifth family the one year old has lived with, and she will have a hard time attaching to you, she's never learned to attach, and the idea is overwhelming for her fourteen month old heart.

Because who knows when the last time that little bottom has seen a baby wipe or a fresh diaper, and the three and four year old are hoarding food under their beds because they have never experienced enough, much less abundance.

Because the fourteen year old has been in more homes than she can count, and since she's never connected or attached to a secure adult, she fears connection, she refuses attachment for fear of the rejection she has come to expect. And even though you will love her with every fiber of your being, the minute she begins to feel something resembling love, she will fight, run, yell, scream, do everything she can to prove to herself and to you that you cannot and you will not love her. She will do her best to sabotage what you've worked so hard to build... and there will be tears.

Let them fall.

...because children who grow up in dysfunction often do not know any other way to live. They raise their children in the same dysfunction that raised them, and those children will likely grow up and raise their children in the very same devastating generational cycle of dysfunction.

Because mental illness is a terrifying, debilitating disease that tricks it's victims into thinking they're well when they are so very not well.

Because addiction is a ferocious monster who devours everyone it can get it's hands on.

Because no matter how much they want to be healthy, it is nearly impossible to climb out of the hole they dug for themselves so many years ago.

And if they could travel back in time, they would go back to the day they made that one awful, life-altering decision that has taken their children from them. They would unmake that decision, they would raise their children and they would live happily ever after.

But time travel is for movies. Not real life. And that decision that was made years ago will always be part of their lives. And that is something to be mourned.

Mourn. Weep. Cry yourself to sleep and wake up in a puddle of tears.

Keep crying.

Expect it, own it.
...maybe even love it.

Because eventually you're going to realize that you were lied to. The enemy placed a stronghold of fear on your life, he convinced you that foster care would put the health of your heart in grave danger and that the decision to proceed for the sake of families in crisis, would in return put your heart in crisis.

At some point on your journey the reality, the truth, will hit you....

...maybe when the baby is sleeping safely and peacefully in your arms after weeks and months of struggling through withdrawals due to months of prenatal drug exposure.
...or when the seven year old's walls begin to crumble and he finally let's you side-hug him for a quick second after months of pushing you away, and you begin to notice his tears and tantrums are slowly transforming into smiles and laughter.
...when the ten year old falls asleep with her light off after weeks and weeks of needing it on at night to feel safe. She's safe now, she knows that, you've shown her that.
...when the seventeen year old sits down with your family, smiles, sighs in relief, and tells you this is the first time she has ever had a family dinner.
...or when your foster son's parents turn their lives around, fight their demons and come out on top, and when they pick him up one last time to take him home forever, they hug your neck in gratitude, tell you how very much they love you for placing their hearts above yours, for not only loving and taking care of their son, but for loving and supporting them too.

And get ready, because you're going to cry that moment when it hits you, when you realize how long you bought the lie, and the vast number of capable parents and families that continue to buy it and allow it to keep them from these children... The truth is that YOU being involved in foster care is not dangerous at all. Alternatively, your heart is the safest piece of the foster care puzzle the Lord is building piece by piece in your life.

Take a step back and glance at the big picture. The risk involved in foster care isn't about your heart.
It's about the families and children in your community who are struggling, and what their lives will look like if we take the risk of not stepping into their world and loving them. It's about risking their health, their well being, their futures in order to spare our hearts the risk of being sad. The two are not even comparable. One of these risks is not so risky after-all, is it? The other risk is life-altering for children and families who so desperately need the safety your heart can provide.
The events that lead children and families into foster care are dangerous.
And the reality that there are far more children in need of safety than there are families willing to BE their safety.... that's dangerous. That's risky.

I'm not going to lie to you, though.... the utter sadness of foster care will break you and turn your life upside down. You're going to cry more than you thought was possible. That's not going to change when you recognize that it isn't your heart at risk in this situation.

...but those tears are sanctifying tears and God is using each of them in a powerful way, echoing the work of the Gospel in your journey on this earth, as you step into another family's mess, put aside your own comfort and convenience, and sacrificially love each of these family members He has placed in your path, supporting redemption and reunification along the way. And then, right in your deepest moment of brokenness, you're going to realize that the tears, the children, the families and the hard did something completely unexpected. Foster care didn't break you.... foster care built you and turned your life right side up.

And don't get me wrong, you're going to keep crying...
...but you're going to go forward differently, knowing that these children and their families matter and they need to given the same grace that you have been given, to be loved so much that hearts would be willing to grieve so that their livelihood wouldn't be risked, that they might have a second chance at being a healthy family. And your tears will continue as your heart walks this messy path, recognizing the depth of it's own ugliness maybe for the first time. As God continually sanctifies you, healing you from the sins of distrust, anger, and fear, you will deeply understand with incredible confidence that every tear that falls on this journey is absolutely worth it.

As you consider foster care, please keep in mind the risk and danger it may pose to the hearts of  children and families in your community if you don't move forward. And if you feel the Lord is nudging you ahead, please pray, ask questions, find a foster family in your community, or contact me. I would love to pray and walk this journey with you.

Six reasons I want to skip church this Christmas

I said to Chris the other day, "Do you think we should have birthday breakfast in bed for Jesus' on Christmas?"

He responded, "We'll have to figure out how we want to do Sunday, since church is at 10 this week."

My heart literally sank."Oh, that's right. Sunday."

Do y'all see the problem there?
I mean, is Jesus the reason for the season, or what?
Ugh... I think I have some work to do.

Mercy and Jaiden know all about the Santa character and they think he's great, but we don't do the actual Santa bringing gifts, naughty/nice list stuff. However, even without that little piece of Christmas cheer in our lives, I certainly can't lie and say I don't deal with other idols getting in the way of celebrating Jesus this time of year. For awhile my idol was, get ready, SANTA himself. More accurately, my idol was my commitment to not doing Santa. Unless Mariah Carey was singing about him, his name or face couldn't be found anywhere in our home (except that one year, but only if he was wearing hot pink instead of red.) And if I'm honest, it's pretty easy to go back there... Most December days I feel like Santa Claus has hijacked Christmas, St. Nicholas would be devastated and appalled to see what his legacy has become, as Santa and his elf continue to teach kids about moralism and being good for the sake of getting stuff, not for the sake of being grateful and being God's. So there's that bitterness harboring under my grinchy skin every December... and believe it or not, I've lightened up A LOT on that issue. What's poking it's head out much more often these days is the idol of my family, being sentimental, and creating traditions and memories... basically making this season look the way I want it to look as opposed to how Jesus would have it look. And just because His name is placed right where I want it to be in my plans and traditions, doesn't mean He is in them. As indicated by my clear disapproval of meeting Him at His house on His birthday.

So I'm writing this for myself, because I'm a mess... Because I need to be reminded of why we go to church, why we celebrate Christmas, and the awesome opportunity we have this year to enjoy these together.

So here it is...
Six reasons I want to skip church this Christmas, and why each one falls on it's face:

1. Because I want to have sweet family time.
    I hope that you have a church family like we do. This Christmas season has really been a time of reflection for me about the family I've been given in Louisiana and the opportunities we have to worship together... These people are a beautiful part of our lives. These people are not related to us, but they are our brothers and sisters. (Matthew 12:46-50) God is our Father, and we are the bride of Christ. When we attend church, we are in God's house with His family, with our family. How much sweeter does it get than spending birthday mornings with our family? This is a birthday sweeter than any other birthday we will celebrate. This is the day we celebrate the birth of the Savior, a baby boy who lived a perfect life, died on the cross and rose from the dead, making atonement for our sins, giving us the opportunity to be adopted into His family and celebrate this very day. Family time doesn't get sweeter than this.

2. Because the kids will be so distracted by everything they know is waiting for them at home.
   Y'all, our kids are SO excited to open all their gifts. I know their heads won't be at church... but I'm not convinced that's the point of bringing them this Sunday. Maybe this is an opportunity for them to see our heads and our hearts being there, even though their's won't be. What better way to show our kids that we believe what we say, "Jesus is the reason for the season?" On the other hand, if we skip church to open gifts and enjoy family traditions first thing in the morning, what will that show our kiddos about what we truly believe the reason is for the season? Not Jesus, that's for sure. Altering our regular Sunday morning routine of worshipping with our faith family, simply because it disrupts our Christmas traditions this year would show my kiddos the opposite of what we've been trying to teach them. Instead, that decision would very literally show them what it looks like to remove Christ from Christmas. We would be celebrating the nameless holiday the world has begun celebrating. It looks like Christmas, it's the same day as Christmas and it even acts a little like Christmas... but it's not Christmas.

3. Because we are going to church on Christmas Eve... So why go again Christmas Day? Let's take the day off!!
    So Christmas Eve isn't Christmas Day, right? If the reason I want to skip church this Christmas day is because I'm going to be there the night before, I might have a problem. I would never skip Chris's planned birthday dinner, and when he asked me about it, argue that I had dinner with him the night before and we talked about his birthday a lot. No. That would never ever ever happen. Never. And the real issue here? Have I really come to a point in my faith and life where worshipping God in His house two days in a row is just too much? Do I really need a day off of worship and gratitude?? Have I really begun to prioritize family over Jesus, who, by the way, is the only reason I have the family that I have?? Oh man... that is an ugly mess.

4. Because December 25th isn't Jesus' actual birthday, so I shouldn't feel obligated to go to church to celebrate it...
    Come. On. Is that a real thing? Is Easter Sunday (the day that changes dates every.single.year.) the actual day that Christ walked out of the tomb? No. It's the day we celebrate it. Here's the thing... the church body gathers together in worship every Sunday... <-- that gathering right there was on Sunday before Christmas day was on Sunday... So it isn't some big schedule shift for my family and I to go to church on Sunday. The awesome thing about this particular Sunday is that we get to do all those things we do every week with our faith family ON THE DAY WE CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF OUR SAVIOR. That. Is. Awesome. I mean, it really is. And I think it's important for my kids to see me excited about the opportunity to enjoy the union of these two celebrations. After all, it's not happening again until 2022, Mercy will almost be ten and Jaiden will have just turned eight. After that, it'll be 2033 and they won't be quite so young and impressionable by then. This is one of very few opportunities that we have to show our kids that what we say about Christmas and keeping Christ at the forefront is actually how we live. And you know, God might just use this Sunday to plant a seed that might just take root and sprout and blossom and change the lives of our children and their children and their children. And maybe in 2033, when they're all grown up, they will decide for themselves to worship Jesus on His birthday with their faith family.

5. Because I don't want church to become an idol. I think we're treading a fine line here... I mean, church on Christmas day?? 
    Jesus, because of Who He is, cannot be an idol. He. Is. God. And there is no such thing as idolizing God. God is... well... GOD. And there's something about idols and God in the ten commandments... oh yeah. The first (and greatest) one (Exodus 20:1-3.) So the church is God's house, where His family meets to worship Him for Who He is and what He has done for us. Christmas is when we celebrate the birth of God's Son and as Christians, we are the bride of His Son. This opportunity to worship Jesus on His birthday, in His house, is a rarity. Let's not pass it up under the faulty reasoning that we are "making church an idol." Let's not go to church for church's sake, just being at church isn't the point of being there any Sunday of the year. If I'm going to church to worship Jesus in His house, then I'm convinced I am not making church an idol, because, again, Jesus cannot be idolized.

6. Because I don't want my kids to think they have to go to church to be saved.
    I know this isn't how we do Christianity in our house. This isn't Biblical and it's bad, ugly, moralistic, works-based non-sense. They know this isn't how we live out our faith, they know we don't go to church on Sundays to earn our salvation or their's, they know about their sin and they know what Jesus did on the cross. So... surely going to church on this one Sunday won't erase all of those truths they have learned in our home.... right? I mean that would be crazy... But if Mercy asks why we're going to church on Christmas, and I say, "Because it's Sunday so we have to," that might be a good step in that direction. So instead, I hope my answer this Sunday will look and sound more like, "Because it's Sunday! And it's Christmas on the same day!! Isn't that neat?? Let's go to church and worship and sing and dance and talk with our church family about how awesome it is that Jesus was born all those years ago so that we can celebrate Him together today!"

The bottom line is, in my original reasoning and defensiveness, my idols were being revealed to me, as well as my lack of commitment to what and Who I tell my kids that Christmas is about. And not only that, but also what I tell them regular Sunday morning worship is about. And don't think they aren't noticing just because they're two and three... Mercy listens to (and repeats... and remembers) every word that comes out of our mouths, and Jaiden is taking every bit of it in as well.

So while they're watching and listening so closely, Christmas this year is just such an amazing opportunity to make a big deal about Jesus, how many hours we have in the day, that all our gifts and traditions will still be at home in the afternoon, and that for these couple of hours, we are going to a big birthday bash!

And you know Santa would totally be there if he was, well... you know. 😉

What about you? What has God been revealing to your heart this Christmas?

A Thrill of Hope

I met my son for the first time two years ago today.

I'm not going to share the details of the how and where of that moment, but I will share this...
It was dark when I peaked in the back driver's side window of a social worker's car and the words that came out of my mouth still come out daily.

"Oh my goodness. His cheeks!"

His. Cheeks.
...and they have only gotten better and better.

It was a uniquely perfect day. The day we met the baby who would become our son.

I remember it like it was yesterday. The drive to pick him up, my phone call to my aunt on the way, the way I felt when I saw him, peeking back at him the whole drive home, introducing him to Mercy, the way she instantly fell in love with him, what we had for dinner with our good friend who stayed with Mercy, giving him his first bottle, and the snuggling that first night...

But one specific memory stands out when I think back... Grabbing him out of his carseat, kissing those amazing cheeks for the very first time, pressing his eight pound eight ounce frame tight against me... and that moment when my life fell together at the very same time that somebody else's fell apart.

Right in that second, our need for abundant HOPE became more clear than ever before. He needed hope, we needed hope, and his mama needed hope more than anything... because it was nine days before Christmas and she just lost her newborn son, and that had to feel pretty hopeless.

This year especially, as we approach our first Christmas with Jaiden as our son, having seen our hopes for our life with him come alive, I think I'm understanding the gift of hope in a new light.

The hope we have for Jaiden's life... It's not just there, something we pray about and experience peace through.... Our hope is thrilling. And it is every synonym of thrilling... Breathtaking. Exhilarating. Electrifying. Inspiring. Mind boggling. (merrian-webster.com) It's exciting, it lights up our hearts and fills us with joy. He has given us hope and made us understand it in a brand new light. In His light.

Because many years ago on a starry night in Bethlehem, He brought a newborn baby boy into the world. His boy, His only son, and that baby boy gave this weary world hope.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth."
Ephesians 1:3-10, emphasis added

When I read Paul's words about our adoption through Christ, I hear him defining the thrill of hope.
And in a year and month and day that so many feel weary, down, depressed and hopeless, how we need the thrilling hope that He gives us! Hope for every spiritual blessing. Hope that He chose us before the creation of the world. Hope that because of His Son Jesus, we will stand before Him one day, holy and blameless. Hope that we were predestined to become His children, adopted out of our sin, out of this weary world and into His glorious grace. Hope for the redemption found in the blood of His son, who He gave up, forgiving our sins and lavishing His grace upon us. This was His will, His perfect purpose for us, to unite His children to Himself for all of eternity, and friends... how thrilling is that??

Today I am praying the thrill of hope for my son's first mommy, even on this day that brings devastating memories and loads of guilt and regret. That she would look to Christ for the hope of redemption and that when she does she would experience His grace flowing over her, her soul feeling it's worth and knowing her position before Him. Holy. Blameless. Guiltless.

Today I am praying the thrill of hope for my son. That as he grows he will become acutely aware of his need for the riches of God's grace. That it would be God's will to adopt him into His eternal family, lavishing His grace upon him and making him an heir of the King.

Today I am praising God for showing us the thrill of hope through this child He brought to us two years ago. That he gave us an earthly experience of adoption so that we would understand on a deeper level how great our adoption into His family is. Completely undeserved, granted by the blood of His only son, and sealed for eternity. Redeemed, forgiven, adopted. And I'm praying that when we're weary we would remember this thrill, that our hope would become alive again, that Jesus would continually remind us of the eternity of hope that He provided for us on the cross.

Would you pray with us today and in the days leading up to the celebration of the thrill of the hope the Jesus? Would you pray for renewal in our hearts and yours? Would you pray that the thrill of hope would be found and clung to in the hearts of the children and families affected by foster care this Christmas?

"Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!"
-O Holy Night

Merry Christmas, friends!
Thank you for all you do for us and how you have loved our family so well!

Foster Moms

Foster moms,

Two years ago I didn't know anything about you, what you were capable of, your level of perseverance, or the wide range of emotions your heart fought every day.
Two years ago I looked at you with admiration and anticipation...

Because two years ago I sat and I waited... and waited and waited and waited on the arrival of our first long-term foster placement.

Today that baby boy I was waiting to meet is much more than a long-term foster placement. He is my son. We experienced so much in the year and a half between the day we met him and the day he became our own. We cried, we loved, we grew in incredible ways as we were shown our sin, our lack of trust and the filthiness of the very core of our hearts. I can say without a doubt that foster care was used mightily in my life.. and used in so many ways beyond the gaining of my son. I would not have traded the hysterical crying or the fear that hovered in the background of everything we did. Not one minute of it. Because I knew that all of the hardships were worth it to the child who had been entrusted to our care, no matter how long his stay... and all of the fear involved in that very unknown is what God used most to teach me about His closeness. Closeness to a God who, because of my sin, I deserve to be so far separated from... as far as the east is from the west. But instead He drew me close to Him in those moments of deep sin, fear, and hatefulness. Instead He removed my sin from me... as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:10-12). He called us to and guided us through foster care, keeping us close by Him every step. Our fostering journey wasn't easy, it was anything but ordinary... it was painful, it was beautiful, it was just as it was meant to be.

And on June 1, 2016 our journey ended, and that precious eighteen month old boy became my son.

What a blessing my walk through the trenches brought me, as the King led me step by step to my sweet son. Jaiden has made me a more compassionate, loving, patient, flexible and certainly more active and attentive mommy. I just can't picture our family without him in it. He is an Ellzey, through and through. He loves his sister like crazy, he is a daddy's boy, no doubt, but when the thunder is just loud enough, he climbs right up in my lap and hugs my neck so tight and sweet. Yes... life has become comfortable in our neck of the woods. Today, my life looks crazy, active, fun, overflowing with hugs and kisses and love... and very, very comfortable.

Foster moms,
Today as I sit in my comfort, I am gazing in awe at your strength, your trust, your perseverance and resolve as you walk a path of unknowns. I've walked in your shoes, and I know your lives look very different than mine does right now. And if I'm honest, when I see the faith you are walking in, some days I miss those shoes that felt very ill-fitting most of the time. I miss them because of the way they made me reach for my Father's hand every minute of every day. I miss them because they consistently reminded me of my utter need for a Savior. I miss them because they taught me compassion for a group of broken and hurting parents toward whom I had never felt any emotion past anger. I miss them because they showed me my shortcomings as a mother and as a child of God and in turn brought me so very close to Him.

And I miss them because they were made purposefully by Him, specifically for me... and while they often felt ill-fitting, they were the perfect fit. He bent down into my mess, He placed them on my feet, held out His hand, and He told me to walk.

Into the unknown. Into the trenches.

Foster moms,
You are in the trenches, in the muck and the mire, in the sadness and devastation that sin has brought into this world.

Foster moms,
You are on the royal highway, walking hand in hand with the King, hearing His very voice, feeling His firm grip pull you through those trenches that He created your feet to walk through. He created YOU, foster mom, with that child or those children in mind. He set these moments in motion and placed you together for the specific span of time that only He knows... and your trust in His sovereignty to give you love and compassion and peace and grace and mercy... that will stick with the families and children He has placed in your care much longer than you could possibly know.

Don't take these days for granted. Don't let yourself forget the most joyful moments or even the most painful ones, don't let one minute slip from your memory. Hold onto the closeness He has drawn you into and don't let it go when your journey ends. Because when things get comfortable, it's easy to forget how much we need to be close to Him every day. Even on the easy days.

And can we be honest? Even our easiest, most comfortable days often look pretty ugly. And the worst place to be is in our own trenches we dug for ourselves, without the King's hand guiding us and pulling us through them.

Foster moms,
Two years ago I didn't know anything about you, what you were capable of, your level of perseverance, or the wide range of emotions your heart fought every day.
I know now...
...and today I look at you with far more admiration than I did two years ago.

Thank you for the role you are playing in my life as I watch the Lord work through you for the sake of His children. Thank you for being vulnerable, for loving children and their families the very same way Christ has loved you and for revealing Him to each person you share your journey with.

Thank you for reminding me of His closeness, today and every day.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."
Psalm 139:9&10

To his first mommy, on his second birthday

I'm still figuring these birthdays out...

...on his sister's birthday I am overwhelmed with memories and emotions of the day and the miracles that brought her to us ten weeks early. But today, his birthday, feels a little different. I wasn't there. In fact, I didn't know he was being born or existed in this world for another six days. I was clueless... It was a Sunday, and I was in Georgia sharing this adorable photo and celebrating my sister's birthday with my family. 

The day before I was relishing in a Clemson win over South Carolina...

...and the day after I was posting embarrassing photos of Corrie on Facebook for the WORLD to see. (I'll spare you.)

Somebody else did know he existed though. Somebody I have grown to love and admire very much... his first mommy. She was there for every second of his arrival, loving him and looking forward to their future together. I can't reminisce with him today, but I know she is reminiscing, I know that can't be easy, and I just haven't figured all of this out. How do I celebrate this momentous and beautiful day, my son's second birthday, when I know that this woman, the woman who brought him into this world and who gave him to me... how do I celebrate when she is grieving? 

In the days and weeks after we received the call and agreed to take long term placement of Jaiden, I found such comfort in the words his social worker continually shared. How they visited him daily, sang to him, rocked him, loved him deeply. Some days I felt jealous, some days I still feel jealous because I love remembering how precious those moments were in the NICU with Mercy, but most days I'm so grateful that those moments were reserved for her. They impacted him, they will always be part of him. He will always have those moments of love and preciousness stored in his heart.

And if I have learned anything from being a preemie mama... those first days and weeks have an impact on the rest of our children's lives, growth, and development. I have to believe that those moments in the NICU in his first mommy's arms are part of the reason this child is so loving, affectionate, compassionate... she gave him all of these things in abundance in the weeks before I knew him. 

Birthday breakfast in bed this morning looked like pure joy to my son. As we sat with him laughing and chowing down on cinnamon rolls, my mind wondered to his first mommy. Labor, delivery, hopes, dreams... there have been tears mixed in with the joy all day and as this day comes to a close, I believe I'm finally learning to balance these emotions. I am SO grateful that my son's story is different from many of the tragic stories of children who come from hard places, and that the time he spent in his first mommy's arms were filled with love and affection. I'm so grateful to his first mommy for making those days what they were, for bringing him into the world and contributing in a huge way to the kind and loving boy he is growing to become. I hope she knows... I hope YOU know, mama.

You grew him, labored and delivered him, he has your genes and your face, he was your son before he was my son... please know that is a truth that's not lost on me. Your daily and constant snuggles, kisses and incredible love in those sixteen days before I met him were and are building blocks that will enable this boy to become the man I know we will both be incredibly proud to call our son. 

And I want you to know that I'm proud to call you his first mommy. Proud of the way you have come through these last two years, of the grace and love you have poured over our family, of your trust even in the face of adversity, weakness and pain beyond anything any of us can understand.

We've celebrated big, we've laughed and loved all day, and it has been a great birthday! But right in the midst of this awesome celebration, I've cried. I've cried a lot. I've been confused about why this precious boy's birthday has been so hard for me. I know that your heart is grieving, I know you're probably confused too. Thank you for inviting me into your life and your heart, thank you for loving us, trusting us. There will never be a day or even a moment lacking in gratitude for the blessing of you.

"Little Fox paused. 'How come I couldn't stay with the mother who had me?'
'She must have had very big reasons to give you up.

She must have thought it was best for you.'

'Did she have fur like mine? Eyes like mine?'

'Most likely,' Mama smiled softly. 'She must have been as beautiful as you are handsome.

I think she prayed like crazy that you would be safe, Little Fox.

I think she prayed for me as much as I prayed for her.'"

God Found Us You

Lisa Tawn Bergren

One time I was pregnant...

Several years ago I was pregnant for about six months. A nurse told me at a hospital visit that my pregnancy was life threatening. If I continued to carry my baby, I would die. Both of us would. In two. Days. Flat.
I guess I had two options at that point:
Let them reach inside of me, flip that 2 pound baby over, deliver her breech, tear her apart limb by limb while her head was still inside of my body, putting my life in grave danger and obviously ending her's. That is how I'm seeing late-term partial birth abortion described. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
The other option was to do a c-section right then and there, saving us both. From this point there would be two more options: I could keep her and raise her, or if I wasn't prepared for that, I would have had the privilege to offer her tiny life to another mom who was prepared. I'm sure either I or the social worker who works for the hospital (I know her, she's awesome) could have called a number of social workers and organizations and she would have been given an adoptive placement within hours if needed.
Of course we did the c-section. No other option was even presented because it would have been absurd to consider doing away with one life and putting another in danger when there was a safe option that would save both lives, despite the temporary inconvenience of a c-section.
And since my doctor knew I wanted to keep her, of course he didn't bring that option up (despite how he felt about her actual life and the fact that he called her "it" moments after her birth.)

And in the air of honesty, this procedure is not legal in Louisiana today, not sure what the laws were four years ago.
So I just voted, and I thought I would walk away feeling proud of my vote and confident because I voted for Evan McMullin... and I did so, totally proud, totally confident. But I was surprised that I still felt like throwing up a little and tears still welled up in my eyes as we drove away.
There was a long line, and I know what was happening in there. Lives, like my child's, will be tossed because people have been lied to about what has to happen when a viable child's mother's life is at risk.
Please please please vote for life. Lives matter. Period. Please vote for whoever values keeping people alive. Even tiny people like this one:
Ladies... our country's children even matter more than what some rich jerk said about women years and years ago. Even if he still says that stuff today (because let's be honest, he probably does), and even if that offends you and makes you feel mad and sick and gross, as it should, people getting to be alive and stay alive still matters more.

Water

Twelve and fourteen... that's how many years it took these two beautiful kiddos to gain more life experience, faith and wisdom than this mama has gained in thirty three years. Five days... that's how long it took them to turn my life and my heart upside down.
No, not upside down... right side up!

One month ago they sat, waited and wondered... half an hour from their home as water seeped through the doors and windows and filled it's halls and rooms, taking most of their material belongings, drowning their homework, clothes, furniture, memories...

"It's a total loss..."
Those are the words their grandfather used as he described their personal experience of the devastating floods that took 90% of the homes in Denham Springs, LA the weekend of August 13.

Ninety. Percent.

My son's biological family lives in Denham Springs.

These two beautiful kiddos are his brother and sister.

All of their belongings sat under feet of water for days. They were essentially homeless, sleeping on air mattresses at their aunt's house.

Water changed their lives in those few days, as they very literally lost just about everything but each other... and I didn't realize it at the time, but in the days and weeks that followed, that same water would change mine too.

We invited them to spend some time with us a week or so after the flood took their home. They had a safe place to stay with family and didn't need to come, but they excitedly joined us for five days that I could never have known how badly I needed.

He knew though... He knew I needed to see Him actively moving, and that two beautiful children and a whole lot of water would be His agents of change in this mama's heart that has been in an ugly crisis for a couple of months...

He knew I needed conviction.

And when two kids who have lost everything, teach you how to truly have everything, conviction is the byproduct... and change happens.

We pulled into the driveway after picking Mercy up from school in a downpour. Our ditch was full and water was slowly making it's way over the road.
"Wow," I said, "I cannot believe it has rained enough to fill our ditch already!"
Looking out the window, the fourteen year old responded, "It's amazing how fast the water can rise..."

I think that was the moment that knocked me over. These weren't just going to be a few days of sibling fun and games. This was real. These people who I love deeply were in crisis and I couldn't allow myself to forget that. The Lord made sure I wouldn't lose track of that detail or fail to grow through these days we shared with these two kiddos.

I wouldn't lose track of the depth of this crisis when I questioned the fourteen year old about the condition of his clothes, after sitting under water for days; stained, ruined, all of them. And no way would I fail to grow when he swore up and down they didn't need anything new. He said they had all their clothes, they would be fine. He didn't take those muddied and stained clothes for granted for one second. His gratitude for what they were able to save was a gift to me... a gift that showed me I have been living so very wrong.

...and I sure wouldn't forget what these kids had experienced when the twelve year old stood with me and a group of strangers, describing the details of the flooding, and all that was lost in their home while her sweet grandmother was sick in the hospital, all only about two months after losing her great grandfather very suddenly. These were such crushing conversations to hear, but this precious girl made sure I wouldn't let them pass by without extravagant growth, as she shared these words with a smile on her face, very seriously reminding us as we all had tears in our eyes, "God's got this." Not a minute of hesitation in the provision of her God. She trusted Him completely, and that was an incredible gift to have the opportunity to witness.

Not only was that incredible trust in His provision a gift, but the actual experience of seeing Him provide for this family and these two kiddos was absolutely life changing. Watching friends, acquaintances and complete strangers come together to get these kids and their grandparents new clothes, new furniture, loads of food, school supplies, shoes, beautiful new Bibles.... and the timing of all these people and pieces coming together cannot be explained as mere coincidence. What an incredibly loving God we serve, who meets each of us in our own unique crises and gives us just what we need at just the right time.

...and in this heart crisis I've been stuck in, He knew those days with those kids were just what I needed at just the right time. Their hearts did an important work on my heart, one that I know will stick around for a long time... and when my heart starts to slip from these lessons, I'm so grateful that these sweet ones will only be one short hour away, ready to head our direction and remind me of the loss they experienced due to water, but the great gain our God gives us through this cleansing water, His Holy Spirit.

"For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you..." (Ezekiel 36:24-27a)

Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”
“Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”
Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”
The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.” (John 4:10-15)

Photo cred to J-man's sweet birth mama <3

And you know for those few days my son cried every time I picked him up, because if one of these two big kids was in the room, he wanted them... not me... and the smile that put on my face was BIG. That's when I knew I would never forget that these precious ones aren't just Jaiden's family. They are my family, my heart and soul, and I love them to pieces.

To the baby boy who became my son today...

You may be wondering why we've squeezed you a little bit tighter and a little bit longer today, why you've had so many kisses from so many friends and family, why there have been so many hugs and so. many. tears. Why all the fuss over you on this day, June 1, 2016?

I know all of this may not make much sense to you right now... and to be honest, not a whole lot actually changed today. You've woken up in our home most of the last 533 mornings... You've called me mama for months, you've hugged and kissed me too many thousands of times to count and you've clung to my neck so tightly anytime you've thought I might walk away. I've fed you, changed your diapers, wiped your tears... I've rocked you to sleep, sung to you, tickled you, peek-a-booed and patti-caked more times than I could count. You have been my son in every way... but by name.

Tomorrow will look much like yesterday looked, and next week will be very similar to last week. In our day-to-day it may seem to you like nothing has changed and for the most part we'll keep living how we've lived every day of the last year and a half...

...that's for the most part, but for the other part, we will live wildly different.

...because in reality, everything changed today.


This morning you woke up an orphan and tonight you laid your head down and closed your eyes a son. My son!

My. Son.

"From here on out it will be as though Jaiden was born to you. He will be entitled to inheritance rights and the benefits of being your natural child. Do you understand that after this hearing, Jaiden Justice Ellzey will permanently be your son?"  

Time stopped for a brief moment as the gravity of those words settled on my heart today... did you know that while you, your sister, your daddy and I sat in that small room with our family and friends early this morning, everything very literally changed? Everything. In those quick words spoken by a lawyer in a judge's chambers you received a new status, a new family, a new name, and a new future. You were declared an orphan no more, but a son. One minute you had no legal parents and the next minute you gained two when you became our child, the son of Chris and Anna Kathryn Ellzey. You will be given a new birth certificate showing your daddy and I as your natural parents. Nothing can ever change this. Nothing! You will always be our son and we will always be your parents from now until forever. You will receive all the same rights and benefits as your sister will receive and we will receive all of the many blessings and benefits of simply calling you our son, of spending our lives raising you, teaching you and loving you. What a gift we have been given, to be so blessed that we would be chosen to be your mommy and daddy.. today, tomorrow, and forever!

Your birth mama gave you the most perfect name, a name that means 'God has heard'. I believe God gave her that name for you as a promise that He has heard her prayers and our prayers for you, and that He would provide for you and protect you in all circumstances. We could never change your name or the beautiful promise that it represents to us. It's a sweet gift from your birth mama, a piece of your story, it carries so much weight and it is just so perfectly YOU. But today you were given a new name, one that officially makes you the youngest Ellzey, the first Ellzey son, and a true little brother to your sister who has declared with such joy all week "and my bwuvvah's name will be ELLZEY at his 'doption!"

You were also given an additional name... we have stood before judges with our foster son, we have heard judgements and wondered what our future would look like, and we have prayed that you would receive justice. Today, we stood before a judge with you and you were given a right judgement, you received justice as he declared you to be our son. And in that moment you received a new middle name, Justice, a name that reminds us that despite the first eighteen months of your life and all of the courtrooms and judges, you have a greater Judge, a righteous Judge who offers true justice and adoption into His family through His son, Jesus Christ. Did you know that, just like you, because of our adoption in Him we have received a new status, a new name, a new family, and a new future? ...and in Him we are declared orphans no more, but children of God (1 John 3:1)! He has passed the judgement we deserve onto His Son and made us just in His sight! He is our Father and we are His children, nothing can ever change this. Nothing. He is a perfect and loving Father who loves you deeply, who placed you in our family and who holds your heart and your future. Your name is a gift to us, a reminder of the gift of adoption we have received from our Father and a promise over your future and life as an Ellzey. God has heard, sweet son, and He. Is. Just.

Son, today, we have celebrated you, and we have celebrated big.

We have waited and longed for today. We have prayed over today for many months. It is certainly a day we will never forget...

...and when we wake up tomorrow, life may look a lot like it did when we woke up yesterday, but this day, June 1, 2016 will leave a permanent mark in the deepest parts of my heart... as the day that nothing changed but everything changed. The day I kissed your cheek and called myself your mommy for the very. first. time.

...and the day I cried myself to sleep thanking God for blessing us and entrusting us with the sweetest boy that has ever lived, who we get to call our son.

Oh, my heart is full tonight.
Love you forever, sweet son!

Love,
  your mommy

**So many thanks to Melissa Breedlove Photography for these beautiful photos from our adoption day.**

Waiting For "Soon"

...and "soon" cannot get here soon enough!

The last twenty four months of our lives have been filled with waiting, frustration, anticipation, impatience, waiting, excitement, anxiety, waiting, sadness, excitement, waiting, grieving, celebrating and finally... waiting.

It's been a season of waiting and a season of wondering...

Two years ago we were waiting for the call. We knew it would be coming and we knew it would be soon, we knew without a doubt that God was calling us to foster care, and we wondered when... and we waited. We met with a social worker and expressed our desires and the boundaries we would set when we decided that it was time, that the Lord was leading us to re-certify our home and our family for foster care. We were frustrated and we wondered how the information we received that day could be accurate. We prayed and we waited.

Eighteen months ago we were waiting for the call. We knew it would be very soon, we had been certified for several weeks and kept our phones by our side and the volume loud. We had to say no to two boys in the first couple of weeks... We just couldn't take them in the time frame they needed care. We grieved for those boys and wondered where they would end up. We prayed for them and we prayed for whoever the precious child would be who would end up in our care... we waited in anticipation and excitement until the call came... And we said yes!

Over the next fifteen months we waited for phone calls, for judgements, for visits... we formed bonds and fell in love, not only with a sweet baby boy, but with an entire family. We celebrated victories and grieved losses, we took thousands of pictures and snuggled as much as possible, we cherished each and every moment as if it were our last. We faced our own ugliness and sought healing for our hearts that were angry and hurting, we begged God for healing in every aspect of these two families that were now intertwined through this precious baby. We waited.. and waited... and waited.......

About four months ago we were waiting for the call. We hoped it would be soon... over the last fifteen months we had learned in a great way that this boy's mama loved him so very much and wanted the very best for him. She hoped so much that she could be that, but recently had expressed the desire for him to be our son, and that she knew being an Ellzey is what would be best for him. We grieved and we celebrated simultaneously as we waited for her call and wondered what the next few days would look like for her precious heart and our future with our foster son.

She did call, we met, she hugged my neck and begged me to take care of her son. We both cried and since then, we've been waiting...

You guessed it, waiting for the call. We knew it would be soon, and yet "soon" just didn't seem soon enough. "Soon" has turned into four months. The agony of waiting for "soon" and desiring for this child to be mine today, this child who has essentially been an orphan, without legal father or mother for four months... this waiting and wondering when "soon" will be is astonishingly and unreasonably too long. It is completely absurd. This should be the easy part, but the impatience is almost too much to bear, I have sat here for months waiting in confusion, frustration, unrest and downright anger over this specific wait.. This has affected me in ways that I didn't expect. Even now, as we quickly approach the adoption of our son, God is showing me the ugliness hiding in the deepest parts of my heart. These days that I should be celebrating and counting down and enjoying who he is right now, I have wasted in frustration and anger at a system that is over-worked and under-budgeted. I have not trusted the one who set this child in our family, I have rushed Him, and He's given me nothing but grace upon grace... and I'm still learning.

Ahhh waiting... waiting has proven to be an obnoxiously purposeful part of my life's journey. Every hard, frustrating wait has been used in a beautiful way.

While I waited impatiently twenty-four months ago, God was growing a beautiful baby boy in his sweet mama's belly, and trying to get a message across to my stubborn hurry-up mentality to  s l o w  d o w n, wait, because very soon I would hold in my arms a greater gift of chunky-baby-boy than I could ever have imagined or rushed myself into.

And how very grateful I am for all the "not yet's" God threw in my path that led me to this specific boy at this specific time in my life. And soon, when he becomes my son, that date I've waited so impatiently for will be completely perfect, beautifully ordained... and perhaps it will teach me to wait with a bit more grace and trust next time.

So here I am repeating this word to myself over and over, giving it to the One who sets dates and the One who creates families, begging Him to work on my heart in a new way, on this new part of our journey... "Soon..." One day, one morning very soon. A morning that will change everything in this child's life and our lives. The date that this boy will become an Ellzey... our son. "Soon" cannot get here soon enough, friends.

To the mama who made the greatest sacrifice...

Dear Mama,

I remember the first time I hugged your neck like it was yesterday. It was a little over a year ago, the first time you met the strangers who were taking care of your son. Chris and I waited anxiously at the agency for your arrival, not knowing how you would respond to us or the situation. I remember these moments so well because they were so very impactful. You met us with grace that day. You thanked us for taking care of your precious boy and you showed gratitude that we were hand chosen by God to be your son's foster parents.

Over the last year, your love toward us, your son's foster parents, has reshaped and molded how we view foster care. In the ups and down, you have loved us. In all of this, you have loved us so well. And you have loved your son in ways that have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated.

Long before he existed, his Creator chose us to be part of your son's story, He heard our prayers and placed us in his future. About 430 days ago a social worker picked us from a list to be your son's foster parents for an undetermined amount of time... and today you, YOU Mama, from the depths of love stored in your heart for this boy, you chose us to be his forever family. You made the ultimate sacrifice as you took the steps that would begin the process of making your son my son.

I hope you know that the gravity of your actions this morning will be felt forever, your choice to love so very sacrificially has changed this mama's heart.

I will never forget the tears that fell today as you hugged my neck in that same office where we first met. No longer strangers, but family, connected by this precious boy, our son. I will remember these moments so well because they were so very impactful. You met me with grace today, you showed immense gratitude that we were the ones handpicked by God to be your son's mommy and daddy, and through tears, you asked us to take good care of him before you walked out of the door.

...and I wept. Oh, how I wept.

Mama,

Thank you. Thank you for pouring out love and grace on our family. Thank you for trusting us to raise your son, I know that doesn't come easy. Thank you for believing our hearts for your family. Thank you for bringing this boy into the world, thank you for his face, you know he got it from you! Thank you for not only letting us love him, but for letting us love you, too.. and we always will. Out of your great loss, you have given us a great gift. We are so grateful.

About a year ago I wrote you these words, and they stand true still today:

"I have come to love that this baby boy has your face. When I look at him, I see you. When I pray for him, I'm praying for you. When I celebrate his milestones, I'm also celebrating yours. When I'm filled with pride for him, I am so very proud of you. And when I love him, I'm loving you, too.

Today you told me that you love us.

I cried.

We love you too, Mama."

I am not cut out for this

Some days I'm jealous.

Our foster son has been in our home and our hearts for 365 days. He was 17 days old when we picked him up, and I would be lying if I said these past 17 days haven't been sopping in jealousy.

Reflecting on the days of his life before I knew him has been uniquely joyful and grievous. I wish I could have been there on his birthday, I wish I could have held him close in his first moments and watched him take his first breath. I wish I could have gotten to know him as a brand new baby, and I wish I could have seen the joy on his siblings faces the first time they met him. I know those days were sweet. I know there were a lot of unanswered questions amidst the celebration, but I know the joy stood tall and mighty over the questions and the unknowns. I wish I had been there to celebrate. I'll never have those moments for myself, and the jealousy is sometimes consuming.

Some days I'm frustrated.

Frustrated that it would take so long to provide such a precious child with some type of permanency. Frustrated with a system that still surprises me after so many months of trying to figure it out. Frustrated that so many questions remain unanswered.

Some days I'm fearful.

Because even after being this boy's mommy for a year, I know things could still change at the drop of a hat. I've become what all who utter the words "foster care" fear the most... I've become too attached.

Some days I'm angry. Some days I'm bitter. Some days I'm sad.

Those are the days that I know I'm not cut out for this.

But God...

Melissa Breedlove Photography

God in His grace has called me to this boy and his family. Oh, His love for us in doing just that is incomprehensible.

In His grace and His love He has shown me how I need Him.

How could I be jealous? In my jealousy of baby boy's first 17 days of his life, God has reminded me of the 365 days his mommy has missed. This day holds great joy for our family, but we know that it holds great devastation for his family. That has knocked me on the ground today. The tears have flowed as I've thought about the events that transpired one year ago today to bring him to our home, the emotion and fear that was felt when one mommy walked into a hospital to visit her son, but he wasn't there... How she must envy the year I have spent with him and how much love and grace she has shown me over these twelve months. God, give me that kind of grace toward others.

HOW could I be frustrated? In my frustration, He has reminded me that one year is such a blip in the years ahead for this child. He has reminded me that over this past year I have built friendships that will last a lifetime. I have gotten to know and love this boy's birth family and I have been shown so many times why it's important that this process is not quick. He is not my son, he has a mommy who loves him so very much. She gave birth to him, he has her genes and she deserves time.

How could I be fearful? Too attached?? Can there be such a thing? I've battled those two words every day of this journey. Of course not. You could never become too attached. That's absurd. This baby boy needs attachment, he needs as many people as possible to go all in for him. And for us, going all in means going all in with his birth family as well. How could I fear losing him when I know that these wonderful people I'm blessed to call friends will never be far from my heart or my life. No matter what happens, we are part of this child's life forever.

Angry... Bitter... Sad... yes. Some days I am all of these things. I cry, I rage, I over think....

Melissa Breedlove Photography

...and I praise.
Every day I'm thankful. So thankful that even while I was not cut out for this, He cut me out for this. He shaped my life just so that this precious boy would spend his first night in our home one year ago today. Every day I'm joyful. How could I not be with the smiles and laughter this child has brightened my life with! Every day I'm blessed, so blessed that I was given the opportunity to love this child with all of my heart, to the deepest part of my being, forever and ever.

And what a blessing even the trials have been. They have shaped me, molded me more and more into the image of Christ I was made to bear. I have been shown my sin on a deeper level and been brought to repentance, to love, to grace. I have been shown love on a deeper level, grace on a deeper level. I have been shown Christ through this child and this journey we were given with him.

I hope you will not let fear keep you from taking this journey of growth and grace. If you have ever considered foster care, please, please contact me or someone you know who is a foster parent. You may not be cut out for this, but I can assure you, HE. IS. And with God all things are possible. (Matthew 19:26). You will not regret loving sacrificially, your life will change, you will know God's grace in a way you never have before.

Happy anniversary, Baby Boy. Thank you for loving us, for changing us, for your smile and the laughter you have filled our home with. Thank you for your cheeks, for peekaboo, for sloppy wet kisses. Thank you for your adventurous spirit. Oh, you keep us on our toes, constantly reminding us of the adventure we are on with you, an adventure that has left us awestruck by the grace of an amazing God, that He would choose us to be loved by you for this season. YOU are a true blessing.

Heather.

May I share a story with you?

You know when I get emotional I have to write... and today, I have to write about Heather.

I met Heather when I was the Program Coordinator at a food bank in Mandeville. She happened to come in on my first day of work while I was training for my position with the previous Program Coordinator.

I was told that Heather had suffered multiple strokes and was very hard to understand. Not very many people in the office could communicate with her. In fact, my friend who I was replacing was just about the only one.

Amazingly, that day as I sat with these two women, I understood just about every word that came from Heather's mouth. Over the course of the next two years I got to know Heather more and more. She rarely came in, but when she did she met me with a sweet embrace and was always SUCH a breath of fresh air, sweet medicine for my heart.

"Your hair looks pretty!"
That was her top compliment. She never complained, only complimented, asked about my family, showed me pictures of her three beautiful children, and asked for prayer.

She had such a heart for prayer. I'll never forget the sweet moments that were spent holding Heather's hands and praying to Jesus for her health, her children and for peace in her circumstances.

The more I got to know Heather, the more I learned about her illness. Over the course of the 12 years before I met her she had suffered nine strokes and many seizures. She struggled financially but rarely asked for help. She raised three children who have been successful in school, one will graduate college soon!

Despite her very severe illness and very desperate financial situation, Heather's smile NEVER faded, her gratitude never ceased. I think that's why she so rarely came in, she truly understood that she lacked very little, her selflessness was amazing. She only wanted for her children and she was so very proud of each one of them.

When Mercy's little life began in my belly, Heather was so excited. She and I both knew that this would mean my time at the food bank was coming to an end, but we also knew this didn't mean our relationship would end. Several times after Mercy came, I was able to coordinate our visits, and even got to introduce Mercy to Heather.

Recently I received news that Heather had another stroke and was not doing well. It had probably been close to a year since I had seen her and I was so blessed with the opportunity to visit her in her home with some friends from the food bank.

We walked in and I wept. She was lying on the couch and looked so very frail. She smiled at me and I hugged her and kissed her forehead. She complimented each of us and smiled from ear to ear as I showed her photos of my kids and told her all about them... and then she locked eyes with me and uttered something I could barely understand. She repeated and I knew, I saw a familiar look in her beautiful eyes. She was asking me to pray with her.

What an honor, to sit on the floor by this beautiful soul, grasp her hands in mine, and pray that Jesus would hold her, hold her children. To sit there next to her and praise Him for allowing me to be part of her life and for the work He did on my heart by showing me her precious heart.

Heather died this morning. Her sweet daughter called me minutes after she took her last breath and we wept on the phone together. She has been released from years of suffering into the glory of her Savior, standing as upright as can be and singing His praises clearly and beautifully. Sixteen years of suffering that led to this glorious day of her new life, sixteen years that to her were not seen as years of suffering, but blessed moments that she was able to spend with her loved ones. Sweet moments to share her heart and the love and grace that Jesus offers.

We are grieving, friends, but not as those who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Heather has shown me what it looks like to find joy and contentment no matter how dyer our circumstances (Philippians 4:12-13) and how to have hope when life looks terribly hopeless. Will you join me in praying for this sweet family today? Will you join me in praying that we may each have a heart like Heather's? A heart that desires to bring joy and love to others no matter what our personal circumstances may look like?

nine months in

This week marks nine months of caring for our foster son.

Nine. Months.

...and it just occurred to me: we have cared for him for as long as she carried him.

Maybe that's why she called this week after so long. Maybe she's grieving, maybe she's missing him a little extra as she sits on the gravity of what happened nine months ago.

Half of his life he was with her more intimately than he will ever be with me. I'll never feel his kicks and hiccups or see my body growing as he grows inside of me. He was perfectly knit together in her womb, life moving through his body with every beat of his heart, each day becoming more and more of who he is today. I'll never see him take his first breath, see the world for the first time or hold him close in those intimate precious moments immediately after his birth. Those moments were reserved for her. She loved him, no, loves him so very much. That has never been in question and never will be. He is perfectly who he is because she is his mom.

Half of his life he's been with me in a way that he will never be with her. He will never be as little tomorrow as he is today. He will never again need to be rocked to sleep as a newborn after his 3am feeding. She will never soothe him and wipe his tears as he cuts his first tooth, or crawl on the floor next to him on his first crawling adventure... the many firsts we've celebrated this year will never be firsts again. He is growing and changing so fast, each day he's becoming more and more of the little boy and man he will be one day.

...and while I'm sitting here wishing he wasn't growing up so fast, how I'll miss these sweet baby days... she is grieving because she has missed all of this. She is grieving because she has missed half of his life and she misses him still.

Nine months ago this precious boy's mommy showed up to the hospital to visit him on his 16th day in this world... and he wasn't there. He was here, with me. And she wept.

This. Is. Devastating.
This is LOSS in its greatest form and it's tragic, friends.

Please remember birth parents in your prayers over foster care. Please remember that foster parents and the children we care for are not the only ones affected by this process and that despite the events and choices that led to these circumstances, there is often deep heartache, remorse and fear. Please pray for healing... for redemption, grace and mercy.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.
Philippians 1:9-11