...but to save it!

"The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

-2 Peter 3:9

well... firstly... I heard a rumor that some of you did not get my last email... if that is true for you, and you would like to receive it, please reply to this message... You don’t have to say anything but “send me your last e-mail” and you don’t even have to say that... I guess if I get a blank email from you, I’ll know... and I’ll send it to you... is that clear? (Abby!) do you understand? Haha, the subject was ‘He never lets go of my hand...’ I think! And if you don’t even care or you did get it then you can ignore this incredibly long and drawn out paragraph that you’ve just wasted your time reading...

On a different note... Life here at the ranch is so great... We have two new boys, and they are just so sweet! Please keep them both in your daily prayers as they adjust to this new and very different situation! Jordan and Harley... they’re 8 and 9 and both at Oak Rise, giving my friends Ben and Emily (the interns) and Brian and Maralee (the houseparents) a full house of 8 boys between the ages 7 and 15! Please keep them in your daily prayers as well!! So needless to say, I’ve been spending a lot more time there with all those guys... it is just so much fun! I thank God each day for all the different personalities I’m around every day and all that they have brought into my life! It is just so great to be here and see God so at work in and all around me!

In other news, I had a birthday... I'm now the same age forwards as I am backwards... boo... that is just no fun at all, I’m not 12 anymore... just an aging 22 year old... But my day here on the 7^th was so incredible! Probably the best birthday I’ve ever had! It definitely brightened my outlook on growing older (it was grim)... Just gets me thinkin about all the incredible things God did in my 21st year, and I'm so excited to see what all He's got planned for my 22nd! It floors me every time I think about how God has blessed me with these kids and all of these people this year! Furthermore... Lensa and Laura are graduating in like less than two weeks!! They need and would greatly appreciate your prayers! Laura has decided to go to Frontier Ranch (what a coincidence!) this summer as a camper with her home YoungLife group in Chattanooga and is waiting to hear back about a YWAM program out in Wyoming, where she will go in August, I think, if she gets it. Lensa, on the other hand, does not have any definite plans, not for lack of searching and searching on her part, on my part and on her houseparent’s and the counselor’s parts... God definitely has something that will be perfect for her, but she just hasn’t found it yet, so please be in prayer about that... and I’ll take this time to place a personal ad for my friend Lensa... when Lensa leaves here, she’ll have no way to get around... She needs a car... a super cheap one (don't we all, haha)... anyways, I would love to give her mine but there are 2 problems: 1) she needs a dependable car that she can count on running for more than anywhere between 1 week and 1-2 years maybe... and 2) I would have no way to get around... So if any of you is or knows of anyone who is trying to get rid of a car for super cheap, let us know... it would be so greatly appreciated! haha, was that a good ad? could i be in PR? Haha anyways, thanks y’all…. We can move on to the next thing now….

Here’s what I’ve been struggling with lately:

trying to understand “man’s inhumanity to man” (Dr. Flaming!) on a less genocidal level, however…. Perhaps better phrased as “parent’s inhumanity to their children...” I was having trouble getting why God let’s wretched people have kids and do terrible things to them... It was really getting hard for me to see and hear everyday... but I do trust God and am so very thankful that He has taken these children away from their sad, scary situations... These 23 kids are here, and they’re all safe and at a place where they can see daily God’s love for them, and how important it is for them and their families to know Jesus... and because of that, they are all such great witnesses to their families, which is incredible and just so inspiring... but it tears me apart that they had to go through what they did to get here... and there are so many just like them who don’t have a place like this... I pray so often that God saves those children, and keeps them safe... I just don’t understand, but I trust you, Lord...

Here's how God has answered my prayer for understanding:

"This happened so that we might not rely on ourselves,

but on God who raises the dead."

-2 Corinthians 1:9

I guess I just have to keep on believing in a God who raises the dead, makes the blind see, the deaf hear, and the mute speak... He also, as I have witnessed here, heals the emotionally damaged so much more thoroughly and eternally than any psychological methods! I'm a sinner just as much as these kid's parents are sinners and just as much as these kids are sinners, and we all deserve hell equally.... why would I rely on myself, or on the sinful nature of any human to treat these kids with Godly love? It's only through God working in us that we can show these kids His love... and thankfully, He has paid the price of our sins, and His amazing grace has saved me, and so many of these kids, which I praise Him for every day! I am learning now, how to pray for those parents, that they come to know their great Creator as their kids know Him more and more each day. He can save them, and He will, as soon as they open their hearts to Him and His saving grace! Please join me in praying for these kids parents, and for each of their interactions with their parents. It all brings me back to the moment when Arissa's mother hugged me at her funeral, and all I felt was bitterness and resentment in my heart. I wanted to shove her away from me and tell her how terrible she was to her precious daughter... what a terrible attitude to have! it has become so clear to me that in the eyes of God, I'm not any better of a person than she is... How great a God we serve that He chooses to save this creation that continually turns it's back on Him! If I could do it over again, I would embrace that woman, and pray to God, as I do now, that she finds Him, through the great witness that her daughter left behind, and through whatever means necessary, so that she can live in eternal glory with Jesus Christ and her beautiful child when her life on this earth is over...

Jesus said, "As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge Him. For I did not come to judge the world but to save it.... For I did not speak of my own accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say and how to say it. I know that His command leads to eternal life!" -John 12:47 & 49-50

anyways... the job search....... has hit a hiatus... I thought I’d be makin plans for Colorado right now, but that fell through, so here I am... Just a-waitin... I could stay here another year, and I would really love to, but the one thing that I’m prettysure about is I’m not being called to do that... so I’m gonna follow God and trust Him fully... He’s in complete control of my life anyways, so I’ll just wait for Him to tell me what to do... I know that He is so faithful to His children, and He will take me through hard times and good times, slow times and fast times that mold me and shape me, all to bring me where He wants me, when He wants me there... so I’ll wait... and I’ll listen... and I’ll trust in the Creator of all things...

Anyways, I really haven’t known what to say in this email, but I wanted to get those prayer requests out and let you know where I am in the “job hunt,” so I thought I would just share with you some of what God is teaching me as well...

Y’all, I say it every email, but your prayers for this place and all of these kids are so much appreciated! keep 'em comin!! I love y'all!!!

His,

Anna Kathryn

"I thank my God everytime I remember you,

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy."

-Philippians 1:3-4

ps- i'll be home for a week in the middle of May! that is so great! i will try to see everybody i can fit into 7 days!! and who is in Gainesville or nearby (or in LA!!)

and of course, to add length.... here are some quotes (there are only 3, haha, oh well... times are slow...):

Corcino (our 6'2 12 year old!!!!), telling a story at dinner at Christopher House:

“I’m always awake sometimes when I sleep…”

Mr. Luke's response: "Corcino, you can't use 'always,' 'sometimes,' 'sleep,' and 'awake' all in the same sentence."

hahaha... maybe you had to be there... and know Corcino and Luke... it just doesn't seem quite so funny now...

Michelle: “Do you want to play football tonight?”

Me: “Yeah, let’s go...”

Michelle: “Hahaha I think it’s funny that we say we’re playing football when we both know we’re really just going to play catch...”

Me: “Hahaha... yeah, it’s true... (later on) Elizabeth , are you playin football with us tonight?”

Elizabeth : “Of course! You know I’m a football maniac!”

Justin: "Has anyone ever told you that you're eccentric?"

me: "you better believe it, and I take it as a HUGE compliment!"

i'm eccentric? haha, whatever.....

He never lets go of my hand...

"In my anguish I cried to the Lord,

and he answered by setting me free.

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?"

Psalm 118:5-7

a wise man once told me: "God doesn't say that He'll make only good things happen, and that you'll never experince sad or upsetting things, but He does promise to work all things together for the good of those who love Him. sad things, good things, bad things.... ALL things..."

i wrote an e-mail back near the end of october called "change is a positive thing....." hmmm.... if i had waited like four weeks to write that email it definitely would have said "change is a negative thing.... like, the worst thing imaginable..... i hate it..... however, life without change is a positive thing!!" back in late october, i thought i knew the meaning of change.... you know, a little movement every now and then, cooking a meal once a week or so, having a semi-clean room... i guess those are pretty huge changes, you know, considering... and those were definitely all positive things.... however, change, actual change, like the real thing.... NOT what i was expecting! and let me tell you, it pulled me so far down into a slump like i've never known before, i thought i'd never come out.... i started expecting it, i was like "what next? how can my life change anymore? i don't know... but i'm sure i'll find out in like 2 days..." my trust was dwindling and i dreaded every new day.... i was like "God what's going on? i know you're doin something here, but i'm not that strong, i can't handle all of this...."

Psalm 118:7a, a Psalm of David:

"...the Lord is with me; He is my helper."

i was at this devotion the other night at oakrise, one of the boys houses, and it was about God walking right next to us, and us being like completely oblivious to it... all the guys were talking about different times they realize now that God was right next to them, but at the time they were like "i can't handle all this!" i sat there in awe of the trust and strength in those guys... they've been through so much more than anyone should have to deal with ever, and there they were, giving God all the glory for keeping them safe, and for bringing them here... i was like "wow, i wish i had that kind of faith!" through all the changes... arissa... my house parents and my kids, etc. etc, i knew God was right next to me, helping me through all of that, and i couldn't have handled all of it if he hadn't been... yeah, i definitely knew He was there, but i was like "whatever, this is bad, this can only produce bad things now and forever... God, i trust you to get me through this, but i don't think i trust you to work this situation for any good... at all.... it's just bad, and i hate it..." hmmm.... it's just now sinking in that, wow, His hand really was in all of that, and He really has worked all these things together for the good of those who love Him.

look, i want to share with you a brief list of things that we at the ranch have experienced since november 27... we had a death, one kid choose to leave, two kids told to leave, one set of house parents choose to leave, one set of house parents asked to leave, one house shut down.... i think that's it... i don't know, but i'm pretty sure in the last three months we've seen like most of the staff and student changes that can happen at a place like this, besides a new kid coming.... after every single one of the changes, aside from arissa's relocation, i was angry! i was so mad, i was like "how can this be good?!" and on top of it all, my constant joy was gone... there was nobody there to jump in my arms and say "blu blu!," and make me feel better about anything and everything... i was in such a slump, so weighed down with negativity, i could barely get out of bed in the morning and walk through the day...

but God said "keep walking, anna kathryn, I am with you; I will help you." so i did, reluctantly, and for some reason, He never let go of my hand, and we got through it... i can see so clealy now how in every decision made at the ranch since arissa's death, while sad and upsetting at first, God truly has worked them all together to be beneficial for these kids, and for the staff here, and everybody involved, and i am so thankful for each and every one of those supposedly "hjorrible" situations...

my old laurel ridge girls are doing so well in their new homes! arissa is doing amazing with Jesus... next wednesday, the 23rd, she will have been in Heaven with Him for as long as she was here at the ranch with us! it's pretty hard to believe that she was here for such a short time, especially considering the impact she made on all of us! it seems like we knew her for so much longer than she's been gone... 88 days..... i still see her face everytime i close my eyes, but i have healed so much, and she continues to impact my life everytime i think about her! please pray for us next wednesday... probably nobody will even realize that but me, but please pray anyways for continued healing in all of us! laura and lensa were baptised 2 sundays ago! i cried!!! i've been so upset lately because i'm gonna miss their graduation, but i told them yesterday how much more it means to me that i was at their baptism and got to see them publically declare their faith and their love for Jesus Christ! it was pretty great... camile and elizabeth are doing incredibly well too, and they're so happy! I love walking into the dining hall for devotions and lunch and the first thing i hear is a squeal and all of the suddenly camile is giving me the hugest hug ever, and elizabeth is not-so-subtly motioning me towards whichever male intern she wants me to marry that day... nothing has changed with those two really, just that we don't live together... my relationship with lensa has grown so much since i've been teaching her classes! we have so much fun, whether we're laughing at the baby monkey stuffed animal we use as our stand in "baby" for child development, or at whatever ridiculus story i'm telling by drawing it out extremely detailed (cause i do that like at least 3 times a day)... she means so much to me, and i know, even after she leaves here, we'll have a strong friendship... she and laura both are looking into their options for after graduation, and i want to ask you guys to please pray for them as they both seek God's will for their lives after may 7th... it's gonna be a hard transition for both of them, but they're amazing girls, and i know they're gonna do wonderfully wherever God calls them...

i'm still struggling with several things, personally, but i have learned a lot about change recently, and even more about trusting God through the changes... and before the changes, and after the changes... and trusting Him to change me through all of it! i have grown tremendously since i've been here, and i pray daily that God continues to change me! i get some outside disappoval of "changing" sometimes... not the big things, just some random personality things that people are used to, but i'm better off without... and i've even questioned the "changes" at times because of it... but i praise God every day for molding me into the person He wants me to be, which so far is in some ways the same and in many ways different from the person i was prior to my coming here... there's still a long way to go, but i want to ask you guys to support me and pray for me, and i encourage you to pray for change in yourselves, cause it's so incredible when you realize that you're becoming who God wants you to be, and so beneficial to your life and walk with Him! i also want to ask y'all to pray for me while i'm job hunting for life after wears valley ranch... i can hardly even think about leaving here without getting really sad, but God is calling me elsewhere, so i'm trusting Him to show me where and to get me there sometime after august 16... if that is His will...

i love y'all and am so thankful that God has so blessed my life with each of you! you're all in my prayers everyday!

His,

Anna Kathryn

"I thank my God everytime I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy."

Philippians 1:3-4

this is exciting! i made an online picture album with most of my pictures from since i've been here!! so i won't fill up y'all's inboxes with such huge picture files anymore!! so here is the webpage:

http://photos.yahoo.com/annakathryn47

it's not really in complete order yet.... it was just taking entirely too long and i wanted to get this email out... but hopefully you can make some kind of sense out of it!!

and here's the link to the new newsletter if you're interested... i'm in it!!! haha:

http://www.wvr.org/pages/feb_nwsltr.pdf

"I was tellin my friend yesterday that you're really cool... and that's a lot coming from me, cause i don't usually like the interns..."

--lensa

"miss anna kathryn... i'm just so thankful that i have you..."

--lensa

me complaining to margaret in front of elizabeth wood (12):

"i don't think i want to turn 22 in 2 months... 21's been a really great year...."

elizabeth (in a great ukrainian accent): "miss anna kathryn! put your childish ways behind you and act like a woman!"

then she giggles... i was like "wow! she told me!!" haha

ryan, at christopher house devotions tonight: "do you guys believe that, even with all the love and candy and suger and pink and red hearts, some people actually hate valentines day? can you think of some reasons why?"

the guys: "cause they don't got a pretty woman to look at!!" "cause they don't love Jesus!!" "cause they're poor and they don't have a lot of money to buy their girlfriend something!!"

hahaha there were so many answers! those were just a few that stuck out!!

my beta, named after michaelangelo (the turtle), turns two today!!!

happy birthday, mikey!!!

i think we just had the greatest birthday party imaginable!! the king was there... the new couple living here with me and abby baked a cake and put 2 candles on it and surprised me when i got back from christopher house at nine!! it was probably the best day of mikey's life so far, except for the first day he met me, two short years ago!!! (andrew... haha i just said that to you! that was used material...)

people in and around my age, we're accepting applications for summer and/or year round interns for this coming summer and next school year! i would, obviously, highly recommend applying if you're looking for something and/or want to meet some really incredible kids and grow closer to God while He uses you to make a true and visible difference in their lives!!

just a brief synopsis...

"I'm movin on....

at last I can see, life has been patiently waiting on me,

and I know, there's no guarantees but I'm not alone...

there comes a time in everyone's life,

where all you can see are the years passin by,

and I have made up my mind that those days are gone....."

-Rascal Flatts

i got this idea from my wonderful "gran gran"...... it's a brief (haha, wow, i already know that's gonna be a lie... i'm sorry!!) synopsis of my life thus far.... a time line, if you will, taking us through the 4 major stages.... childhood ----> highschool ----> college ----> now! so if you'll bear with me, i'll take you on a trip... a trip through my life....

The life of Anna Kathryn Buffington:

april 7, 1983 (basically the best day ever) ----> highschool

well.... childhood was a pretty fantastic time for me.... i miss it.... i really do....... wow, i wish i could go back... to the love home porch, westminster, wyldlife and southwind as a camper, summit street, all those walks to onyx, and all those times layin out on the trampoline pretending to be two ridiculous radio broadcasters who believed Elvis would live forever (I still believe that)... how fun! anyways.... i had these great parents who raised me to be like Jesus, and i knew so many other amazing people who taught me so much about a life with Christ.... these years were full of growth in my knowledge of the Lord's love for me, but wow! i had so much fun being weird, and thats almost all i wanted to do.... have fun and be weird... haha... but i now more than ever have learned the harsh reality that life isn't all fun and weirdness.... at some point you have to grow up, some kids a lot faster than others... A LOT faster than i did... i realize now just how much i took for granted when i was growing up.... there are so many kids who don't have any of what i had growing up, and i thank God everyday for giving me that, and find myself praying everyday for the kids in the world who are suffering because there is no love in their lives... only anger and hatred and evil... i wish there were enough places like this and enough knowledge of them to house every one of those kids.... i pray that one day there will be.... but for now, all i can do is aspire, and seek the Lord along the bumpy road.....

highschool ----> college

high school wasn't so fantastic for me..... i think, instead of fantastic, i would use the words difficult (not classes), or lonely..... until junior year! cause that's when i found erin and rachel and coach moore (english) and mr. emory (art... more than the previous years)... and that's when i left gainesville high school for gainesville college, and only went back for, you guessed it, art... but during this time i met even more people, at school and outside of school, at my church and at other churches, who really impacted my life and showed me even more the love of Christ, and modeled a Godly lifestyle for me..... i look back now, and am so thankful that my high school experience wasn't like many other kid's, and i can see now that God was looking out for me, and watching out for me all those days i sat in the office with my mom during lunch... however, during that time i wasn't so grateful..... i can now see the impact those people had on me, but at the time, i was so focused on how much i wanted out of gainesville high school and how miserable i was there that i could hardly make any sense out of the love of Christ... i knew that He loved me and I knew that I loved Him, but i also knew i only had like 4 four or so friends my age (meaning not my wyldlife kids or younglife leaders), my love life was like negative, and i didn't fit in with the crowds.... praise God that all of those things are true!!! and praise God that i learned how to trust Him and discovered that He's the only friend i need! and praise Him that those 4 or so friends He did give me are some of the most amazing people i know and have impacted my life in such a huge way! and praise God that one of them was Jessi Hawkins! anyways, i was so focused on other stuff in high school that my life with Christ remained pretty stagnant... little did i know, He was working even then to mold me into who He wants me to be....

college ----> august 16, 2004

wow!! college was amazing!!! i mean, for the most part... there was some drama, but when isn't there? really.... college was a time in my life when i decided to resort back to my old way of living.... my main focus was having fun and being weird... difficulties were foriegn to me when i was a child, and it turned out that they were in college too, pretty much for the whole first year... so when i finally started experiencing them, they semed to hit me really hard.... i got really caught up in a lot of drama that really didn't even involve me and trying to find a way out of it, all the while forgetting that God is the only way... but through it all i kept on trying to be happy and most importantly, weird..... hahaha i definitely made some of the best friends of my life at mercer..... and some really incredible God fearing people who taught me so much.... like my roomies, and their families.... professors... people from church and bsu..... some really great people, and i'll never forget any of them.... it's just too bad i didn't take full advantage of them at the time.... if i had i may have taken some huge leaps and bounds in a forward direction... but instead, near the end of my last year, i started to look back at how the years had passed by.... all i could see were patterns of untrustfullness, mistakes, loneliness, stagnancy and back stepping.... but even with that knowledge i remained pretty much in the same place in my walk with the Lord, and kept on the same way up to the very end..... it's a good thing i'm in love with such a forgiving God, who, for some reason, loves me back!

august 16, 2004 ----> now!!

at last i can see that life has been patiently waiting on me, and i know there's no guarantees but i'm not alone!!! Wow! I've finaly rediscovered the fact that I am not here for my own happiness, or to make my life pleasant, but for the Lord's happiness and to bring Him pleasure..... and if I honor Him and seek to please Him in every part of my life, then I will find happiness in Him! i don't recall any time of my life that i have felt the healing power of God more than i do now... i've had some hard times the past couple months, but it's through these difficulties that i've learned to rely completely on Jesus because He is my only constant... in my darkest hours, He sent snow... and even though it's like in the mid 60's now, God has given me so much, and taught me so much through hard times and happy times and for all of it i am thankful... i truly watched my life pass by for years, and made very little progress, but i'm watching myself grow closer and closer to Christ now, and that's what life is... there are no guarantees but Jesus Christ... there's nothing we need in life but Jesus Christ... that's something that some of these kids have a grasp on at 11 years old... kids who have experienced 3 times what i experienced these last couple months probably every month of their lives so far.... and here i am learning it now..... God is doing amazing things here... these kids are incredible and an inspiration to me every day... i got a schedule today and it told me i'll be teaching lensa biology and home ec (i laughed at that one, but it'll work out... haha) and i'm super excited about it! i'll also be working with laura a couple days a week and i'll be with the horses every third monday with the boys from christopher house... monday through thursday abby and i eat dinner seperately at the three houses and we both do rec everyday.... (i laughed at that too... haha i used to do it once a week! but that, too, will work out...) i'm so grateful that God is still having me work with two of my girls and also with the other kids more in depth! as for my emotional status, i miss arissa more and more everyday... i sit on her bed and pray a lot, just like we used to do together, and God is changing me and strengthening me still through this.... i miss and her, and that'll never go away, but my joy for her also increases daily, and that's how i get by.... we serve such an awesome God, y'all, don't forget it! ps... tomorrow's crazy hair day!!! good thing i brought my wigs back with me!!! haha it's gonna be so fun!

thank you all for your prayers... wow, you're all incredible, and seriously, your prayers are so appreciated and i'll never forget the support and love you've shown me! please pray for me now as i begin the job hunt for next august and on... or maybe i'll stay here or do something else... pray that God makes it clear to me what His plans are for my near future.... also, make a note at the top of your prayer list to pray for becky downs, arissa's grandmother, who recently found out she's losing her house and her car due to her late husband canceling their insurance... pray that she seeks the Lord in this and finds strength.... my heart ached for her over christmas, and now aches even more for her..... PLEASE remember her in your daily prayers...

His,

Anna Kathryn

"I thank my God everytime I remember you;

in all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy."

-Philippians 1:3

here are some fantastic quotes... some of these are from a pretty long time ago, this email's been in the works for a while... like before thanksgiving... hahaha

me: "hey did you hear about the party this saturday night?"

luke: "what's the party for?"

me: "it's elvis's birthday! we're having a birthday celebration at laurel ridge!!"

luke: "anna, are you on drugs?"

me: "did you just call me anna? who is anna?"

An e-mail I got from Camile before thanksgiving: "Hey 'B'!"

from camile's devotional book i was looking through the other day:

question: is there someone in your life who always puts others before themself? if so, what impact has that person had on those around them?

camile's answer: "'B' ...she's a Godly example 24.7"

"I like when we prayer together." -Arissa

"Anna Kathryn, you crack me up!" -Mr. Mike

Dr. Pardue: "Are you likin' it over there at the ranch?"

Arissa: "Huh? Lichen? Are you talking about botany?" a proud moment for a botany teacher!!

Giving Arissa a spelling test:

Me: "Beaches... Every night she walks the beaches of Cheyanne." (Garth)

Arissa: "Of what?"

Me: "Against... Sometimes you've got to go against the grain." (Garth)

Me: "Brother... Oh, brother, where art thou?"

Arissa: "What does that mean?"

Abby, listening from afar: "Anna Kathryn...... great sentences!"

Me: "I mean.... sometimes you run out of your own material....."

no snow in the valley

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Romans 12:1-2

it snowed in the mountains last weekend..... but we didn't get any snow in the valley..... as you can clearly see in the picture.... however, it did rain all week... and when it rains it pours.... and hails........ a lot..... it's been probably the worst couple of weeks i can remember having ever, and it's taken all the strength that God has given me to get through...... but everytime i start feeling ok, something new happens, and i start feeling worse again..... i am full of anger and bitterness, and i don't know what use i am to God when all i feel is anger... i would much rather be with Him, and Jessi, and Arissa..... but for some reason i'm not, and all i can do is trust God to lead me through the torrential downpour, even when it seems unfair to have been led into it...... but here i am, dodging lightning bolts, and waiting for the tornado to lift me up and take me away to be with Jesus..... the hardest thing for me to do is trust Him, because i don't understand all that's going on right now...... but Proverbs says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding..." so that's what i'll do....... i'm gonna walk blindly with Him, and trust Him..... He's given me such strength the last two weeks... more strength than i thought was possible for this weak body to ever encompass....but He makes me walk on water in raging storms.... all i have to do is keep my eyes focused on Him and not on the storms surrounding me.... pray that i have continued strength to do this.... and pray that i will be released from the grip that this anger has on me....... i've been pretty mad before... but i don't think i've ever felt anger like i do right now, and i don't know how to handel it or how to get rid of it...... i can't get rid of it, but God can take it away from me if i give it to Him..... pray that i can let go of it.......... i don't know what God is doing in my life right now, but trust is a huge necessity..... pray that i will have a renewed faith and a renewed trust daily......

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

-Romans 12:12

that was yesterday... and get this! it snowed in the valley tonight!!!!! and it's still snowing! the snow is a reminder to me that God's love is unfailing, and it's not always gonna be rain and hail.... wow! i had a terrible weekend, and last nigt we broke the news to the girls that our laurel ridge family is separating.... it was sad... it was really hard, we all cried, and then we had a slumber party, and all slept in the living room in front of the fireplace..... it was a really great end to such a sad night.... and this morning abby and i decided we weren't going to let these kids or ourselves be depressed all day, so we declared december 13 "don't bend your knees day"... wow! we had so much fun! i don't think the 8 of us have laughed so much in one day the whole time we've been here! so tomorrow is "double speak day" and wednesday is "don't use your thumbs day"..... we're gonna make it through this, and we're gonna use the gift of laughter that God gave us to do it..... i still have all the same prayer needs, and i'm still struggling with anger, but i'll never forget that in my darkest hours, God sent snow to the valley.... and even though people don't always follow His will for their lives, even when it's as clear as daylight, and clearly laid out in the scriptures, He is unfailing, and works for the good of those who love Him.... what an awesome God!

thank you all for your love and support! they all say "never say never" but i will definitely NEVER forget how wonderful you all are and how much you've done for me!!! and i have no hesitation in using that word! i hope i get to see as many of you as i can this Christmas! i said i wasn't gonna send another e-mail, but apparently i lied...... and who knows what the next 4 days hold for me... wow, i feel like i've bombarded y'all with emails the last 2 weeks! this is crazy! (i'm being a yenta....) i love y'all!!

His,

Anna Kathryn

"I thank my God everytime I remember you.

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy."

-Philippians 1:3-4

"you and i... we will be ok..."

--corrie (in my cell as I AM WONDERFUL) i love you so much!!!

hmmm...

here's the situation:

my life at the ranch will be 100% different when i get back here from our 2 week christmas break.... my house parents are leaving, camile and elizabeth are moving to the other girls house, and laura and lensa are going elsewhere to learn "independant living skills" with a couple who works here, and abby and i will live at laurel ridge all by ourselves and probably do odd jobs around the ranch (filing, answering the phone, pastor wood's radio show.....) unless abby decides to go home... then i'll live here all by my lonesome..... and be a bitter old maid for the rest of the year, because not one, but all five of my girls have or are soon leaving me, plus my house parents..... the past two weeks have introduced a lot of change into our lives and have been really hard, but after christmas, i anticipate it getting harder..... i miss arissa..... i miss her hugs and her i love you's...... i miss everything about her, and there's nothing that i do here that isn't hard for me because she's not standing next to me and holding my hand.... walking back to the house by myself after devotions is the hardest thing to do... everytime i open my second drawer and see all of our science kit stuff and all the experiments we were going to do, i tear up.... it's really hard, and truly, the only comfort i have is knowing that she is safe now and happier than ever with our Lord...... after christmas, all the joy that i have left in this house will be gone..... except for my seperated at birth twin sister, abby, who hopefully will stay here..... i'm praying, firstly, that i won't remain bitter, and i'll accept this as God's will and surrender to Him, and secondly that they'll assign me as camile's mentor and i can teach her english and whatever else...... if that's what God wants me to do, then i'll be very pleased, if not, i'll work hard, and learn to love what He has me doing anyways..... camile needs some stability and that's something she's seen very little of since she's been here..... i'm worried the most about her, because she really has bonded with our house staff, and is now being moved out..... i agree with zero percent of what i heard in meetings today, but it's not about me and what i want to do.... it's about God and what He wants me to do and what is best for these kids...... i hate change, and i've accepted a lot of it the past few months, and it's been hard, but i'll continue to accept it and deal with it with the Lord's help..... i pray that the girls and our house parents can do the same, and somehow see the hand of God in everything that has happened since thanksgiving and is still happening..... please pray for continued strength for this house that's grown so strong together the last two weeks, and is about to be separated........ it's gonna be a really huge transition for the 8 of us, and we each need your prayers so badly...... so that's the situation..... this is probably the last e-mail i'll send before i leave here, so cherish it, and please pray that we will joyfully surrender to God's will without question or bitterness....... i hope i see you all while i'm home (except for my maconites..... you'll have your chance sooner or later....) i love y'all and i thank you soooooooo-------> much for loving me and being so supportive through your prayers for these kids and for me.....

His,

anna kathryn

"i thank my God everytime i remember you.

in all my prayers for all of you, i always pray with joy."

-phil. 1:3-4

fuzzy wuzzy cindy was a great caterpillar...

firstly, i am going to email each of you who i got a reply from back, but be patient, because there are a lot! and secondly, i want to thank each of you so much for being part of my life and for praying me through this.... GOD will get me through this.... He is getting me through it!

so many neat things happened the past couple of days in indiana, things that give me comfort and things that reassure me that i have a purpose here... i've really been feeling useless this week since arissa was my day and night.... we were two peas in a pod... when you saw one of us, you knew your were about to see the other one.... without her here, i really don't feel like i have much of a job... i just don't have anything to do... so that reassurance was much needed!

here are a few things that happened:

*"Let's prayer." -Arissa

*"I like when we prayer together." -Arissa

*tucking arissa in one night after we prayed: arissa: "do you think God is amazing?" me: "yeah, i do..." arissa: "i do too.... and miss anna kathryn?" me: "yeah?" arissa: "i think you're amazing too..."

*Arissa: "And God, thank you for Miss Anna Kathryn, because she really is in my heart... and so are you... but not satan... and God, just crush satan right now, so that no one will go to him anymore, and everyone will come to you..."

*Arissa: "Do you think God cares if we repeat things sometimes when we pray?"

Me: "Not at all..."

Arissa: "Good... Because everytime we pray together I'm always gonna start like 'Dear God, thank you that we get to spend this time together.'"

arissa and i used to pray together every night..... i started and she closed........ these were definitely the most precious moments i spent with arissa every day, and probably the most precious moments i spent with God.... everynight i saw that child growing closer and closer to her Creator.... in the beginning she basically just repeated what i said, but after a little while she started really talking to God from her heart, and asking me questions afterwards..... she was so thankful and so loving and there was no doubt that she loved Jesus Christ and that she loved me... when she got home for thanksgiving break, her grandmother asked her what she has learned since she's been here and she said: "what i've learned most is really how to pray."

now..... as many of you know..... i'm not typically one to pray outloud in front of anyone ever..... but God doesn't care what our weaknesses are, because He can break those barriers and work through us anyways! and He taught that beautiful child to love Him and to share that love with Him, and used somebody who never in a million years would have imagined being used that way! how incredible! i am so greatful that He chose me as one of His tools in helping Arissa learn this!

*Dr. Pardue: "Are you likin' it over there at the ranch?"

Arissa: "Huh? Lichen? Are you talking about botany?" a proud moment for a botany teacher!!

if you recall, i also felt that teaching botany was a huge weakness, and something i was terrible at.... but wednesday night, arissa's grandmother took us to see her room, and while we were there, she said "one of the first things arissa said to me when she got back was 'grandma, i LOVE science! we're learning botany, and that's the study of plants, and did you know that moss is a nonvascular plant, because it doesn't have tubes to carry the water?' and went on and on about botany!" wow! another barrier! and you know what.... i am SO scared of having a different student to teach, because the only options are middle school english and history or high school english and history, and while i LOVE the girls and am thrilled to be one of their "mentors" (teachers), i do not so much love english or history, and am not so thrilled to teach either..... but arissa, in those comments to her grandmother, showed me the power of God to give me the ability to do something i don't think i can do..... and who knows, maybe God put an english teacher somewhere inside of me..... i did learn from the best (coach moore! ...does this mean i get the flying frog? haha)

*arissa runs down stairs at 7:15 am, with her red sweat pants on and entirely TOO much energy for that early!! "miss anna kathryn! i have 5 shirts on! two tee shirts, my purple sweater, my red sweat shirt, and a jacket!" this happened at least 3 times a week!!

at the visitation, arissa was so made up, and in such a grown up outfit.... you wouldn't know it was the same kid..... she looked so serious and that's so not her! and you know what, it was a HUGE comfort to me to see her like that, because it made it so so so clear to me that that body was not her! it was her body, her shell.... it contained none of her liveliness or her personality, or her soul.... if it did, she would have had on red sweat pants, a funny face, and been giving me a knubbies up..... Arissa is with Jesus! her body is in the ground in laporte, indiana, but she is with her Father, and everything i love about her is not dead and buried! it's relocated, and my only comfort comes in knowing that i will be reunited with that amazing child again! maybe not tomorrow or the next day, and that's the hard part, because i miss her so much, but i'm certain that i will see her again! and she'll be even happier and bouncier than when she was here, because she will have nothing to fear, and nothing to be sad about! that body, as beautiful as it was, was not my arissa......

one of our songs here at laurel ridge is 'go light your world'... a song about spreading the gospel to unbelievers...... one that we listen to over and over and over again, because it's a beautiful song.... now... the main girls who to my previous knowledge loved this song so much were camile and laura.... arissa usually belted out 'come, now is the time to worship' or 'agnus dei' while she was in the shower instead... but at her funeral, the song that her grandmother chose to play, because arissa loved it and sang it so much when she was home, was 'go light your world.' we had no idea she loved that song so much! but it makes sense, because even in her death, God continues to use her to spread knowledge of His love to people who have no idea.... i already know of one little boy who accepted Christ this week because he knew arissa, and he knows she's with the Lord right now! my prayer is that so many more, in indiana and beyond, will see His glory through her life and her death, and come to know Jesus Christ as well....

here's something neat, and light........

the first field trip we went on this year was to an apple orchard..... i'm pretty sure the first time i've ever been to one..... and while we were there, we had a funeral for a caterpillar.... fuzzy wuzzy cindy..... and as arissa was very intricately building the gravesite, the conversation went like this :

arissa: "she was a great pet...."

emily: "why don't we go around and each say what we loved most about fuzzy wuzzy cindy..."

me: "fuzzy wuzzy cindy was a great caterpillar.... i'll really miss her.... that journey from indiana to east tennesse.... wow..... etc............"

i have a great picture of her sitting next to fuzzy wuzzy cindy's gravesite, and holding her microphone (or stick, which i also have in my room....)

the second time i went to an apple orchard was thursday morning... and there was a funeral there too..... because the cemetary that arissa was buried in is in the middle of an apple orchard! i can't wait to go back there, and use that same "microphone" and say what i loved most about her!

it was really great for me to go to indiana... there were a couple of negative things that came up, but they just made me happier for her that she doesn't have to live on this dangerous and scary earth ever again.... and i feel so much more at peace.... i'm still sad, because i loved that little girl so much, and i always will... day to day life will still be hard without her here, because everytime i walk by her door, i see an empty room, and i remember how much i miss her... i'm still gonna cry, and i'm still gonna feel a huge void... but i'm gaining strength everyday.... GOD is giving me more and more..... i'm gonna hold onto Him in this scary and hard time, just like arissa held onto His word in her last moments on this earth..... He took her from her fear and pain and into His arms, and I know He'll hold me too, and get me through this..... you guys are amazing, and i love you so much for praying for me and my ranch family and arissa's family.... this e-mail is incredibly long, but i'm so encouraged, and just wanted y'all to know that, and to know that you had a hand in that.... i can't thank you enough! keep prayin for us as we move into a normal schedule monday morning without arissa... and i'll keep prayin for y'all, and thanking my God for putting you each in my life!

His,

anna kathryn

"I thank my God everytime I remember you;

in all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy."

-Philippians 1:3

my arissa

hey y'all... we just got back from indiana a few minutes ago, and i should really be asleep in my bed already, but i wanted to share this pretty cool story with you....

arissa's grandmom, becky, told us she put arissa's bible in the bottom of her bag and put her bag in the trunk.... but the only way that the police officer could identify her when he got to the scene was because her name was written on the inside of her bible which was clasped in her hands! evidently she asked her jaja to get it for her somewhere along the way... praise the Lord! could He make it any more clear to us that she is resting in His arms right now!?

i have a lot to say, and i'll get to it in another e-mail, but that was definitely the most moving and comforting story i heard on the trip! we serve an amazing God, y'all, and my arissa is with Him right now! what a lucky girl!

i gotta quit typing and go to sleep before the tears start, but i love y'all so much, and THANK YOU for your prayers! i felt them so much the past 44 hours.... keep it up, and i'll pump another email out soon....

His,

anna kathryn